The Beginning

4 years old. I had my first crush. Her name was Ragan Faith Turner (I miss you, Ragan). I didn’t know what LGBT+ was at the time, and it was shamed. Well, I loved her. She taught me how to swing and I always think of her when I swing. I faintly remember her house, and it was so comforting. It was warm and cozy, and I loved her room. She’s the one who got me into a toy series I can’t remember. Her family was so nice to me. She later moved away, and I got a new crush.

This was a new crush; he was a boy. His name was Truett. He was nerdy like me and just plain adorable. I went to his birthday party, where I was introduced to gymnastics. I started gymnastics, and I loved it. I developed another crush at the same time, a boy named Carter. I told him I liked him so many times, but I got rejected :(.  This, I think, was the start of having fewer girl crushes. As Ragan did, Truett moved away. Carter never moved, but I just lost my feelings for him.

I got another crush, Aries, and I have no idea why I liked him. He was an annoying, loud, douchebag. I dated him, and now he won’t ever let me live it down. Anyway, after I ended it, I developed another crush on a girl. Her name was Madilyn. I still love her and miss her. We were best friends in 1st grade. I regret how much of a jerk I was to her. I’m so sorry, Madilyn if you ever see this, know I’m so sorry. We went to church together, and I slowly developed feelings for her. I got a tub of stuffed animals once, as a reward, and gave her all the ones she wanted. Her father got a promotion and her family had to move.

Intermediate School

I got few crushes in this school because I was under so much pressure to please my teachers. Plus, all the girls there were rude. I really didn’t get any female crushes, because homosexuality in intermediate was shunned and very shameful. I did, however, get a few boy crushes and one girl crush. Her name was Macy Jo Smallwood. People made fun of her because she looked like Pippi Longstockings. Her hair was fiery red and so beautiful. Unfortunately, She moved away as well.

My second crush was a returning one, Carter, stole my heart once more. I got one solo with him at a mini-concert-like-thing that I can’t remember the name of. It was great. I never told him, as I had learned to hold my feelings in.

Then came Isaac. He was good at drawing, and really calm at the time. I started dating him, and he lost his calmness. I still loved him for a while. I accused him of cheating with some other girl and we broke up. We soon got back together, but I regretted it. I just… lost all my feelings for him.

Currently

I soon broke up with Isaac and made up some sop story on how I felt I was growing up too fast. I hadn’t realized my sexuality and got one more boy crush. His name was Phoenix, and I only got a crush on him because my friend did. I don’t know what came over me. Then, I realized my sexuality. I was gay. Soon, I developed a crush on 4 girls. Malia, Eleanor, Emma, and Chandi. Chandi is a 7th grader that probably doesn’t remember me. We were best friends when Ragan was here.

Emma, I think, is straight, so I have no luck. I feel at home around her family, unlike others. I always felt uncomfortable and unwanted at other friend’s houses, but Emma’s was different. There was a time I thought she was lesbian, how ironic. I turned out to be the lesbian. I think she has a crush on me too.

Eleanor is bisexual, so I have a chance. She’s the only one who knows that I’m gay. I feel closer to her now that she knows more about me. I really wanted her to reply to my text asking me to go out with her. I hope I can get her before it’s too late.

Malia is a childhood friend. We bonded over Roblox, which makes it a very personal game to me. She has helped me through my current time of mourning over my dad’s death. She has the best personality and parents in the world. I love her to death.

Thank you for reading all of that and understanding my struggles. I hope my story inspires you, too.