The victims that least deserve it are my children and my husband. I feel less guilt about howiteffects me personally,because most of the time I feel like I deserve to feel bad. My heart just breaks for my husband and kids. They are so wonderfull and I feel so lucky to have them.But on my worst days,I feel I don't deservethem. On the dark days, my kids get a mom that is sleeping all day because I stayed up all night thinking. My kids get a grumpy mom when I do rise from my coma. I can easily snap and yell, which immediately makes me feel overwhelmed with guilt.
I use to have the cleanest house and tons of energy. NOW, my house is always a mess and I rarely get off the couch. I have gained well over 60 pounds in the last 2 1/2 years and I can't even remember the last time I thought I was pretty. I am stuck in the past and the person I use to be. I keep comparing my self to the old me. The young, attractive, fun and loving life person. Now I am over weight, chain smoke, don't sleep, don't clean and sit on my ass day after day feeling sorry for myself. Wondering….how did I get here?
I tell myself I am obviously a loser. I must be a tool because I can't seem to figure this shit out and fix myself. As more time goes by, I get more convinced that this is it, this is going to be my crappy life forever. The thing that is the hardest thing to figure out is that I love my husband and kids so much that I would never want any other family…..but yet I am miserable! I hate myself, my house, my job and basically how I live my life. The dark days are filled with thoughts of just end it and put your poor family out of thier misery. My thoughts tell me I am just bringing them down, they would be better off with out me.
On my good days, I feel lucky. I feel like what do I have to bitch about? So many people have it way worse then me, and here I am whining about how sad I am. Oh woe is me…..HOW weak! On my good days, I am productive and cheery. I make everyone's favorite dinner, get speicial treats for everyone and play dress up with my daughter. I love those days……then BAM a dark week or two slides in out of nowhere and most of the time, for no reason.
This depression is the biggest bitch I know, and I wish it would just go away. I hate it and I don't know how to stop it. I feel constant guilt for it. My husband is close to perfect and is so sopportive…….and that makes me feel even WORSE!!! See I am a crazy mess that will re-read this and only hear whining. Oh geez ain't life grand