Going thru mental breakdown and trying to take everyones advice. I realized today well listening to some of my fav songs that i have not gotten over my x. Its been over year now but i still have hard feelings. he was awful to me but i still love him. god only knows why. Why i dont understand i cant get over him. he basically used me the first time we went out. that was 4yrs ago. Then he left the state and i swore i would never go back. HA he came back and stupid me fell for the lines again. Things were worse this time but i kept believeing we were good together. I realize i was afraid to be alone. i was with him for all the wrong reasons. and for the 2nd time he left me and moved to another state and i swore i would never go back. sure enough he came back and i stood firm that i wouldnt put up with him using me things were good at first then things went south why did i think they wouldnt. Now he was always leaving state cause his kids were there. So i thought it was understandable. Guess what ? he was leaving the state again but this time was man enough to tell me. he swore he would keep in touch and we would be friends. ha HA I dropped him off at the airport and he didnt even say bye….that moment i knew that i was used again. A month went bye and i got a call it was his wife. I wanted to die how could i be so stupid !!! this jerry springer crap. All i wanted to be was loved and all he to do was say it. With all the things he has done to me and lied about (there must be more i dont know about too) why do i still hurt and miss him ? the one thing i have figured out was … i was with him to be with someone didnt matter what he did to me. He was goregous good in bed … sounds shallow now but its true. I let him do those things to me. The way i feel now if he tried to contact me again i would talk to him so i know i need to work on myself more. I dont deserve what he did. i know i was to good for him. It would take all that i had to say no to him. so as i type this i am trying to figure out what i need to do to get over him. One thing is to believe i am worth so much more. I deserve to be treated the way i treated him. that takes alot of positive thinking which i dont do well. i am going to try. i keep running the scenario in my head. what would i do ? really have to stop doing that. thinking about it to much. i have been focusing on other things so much that i forgot about me and making myself happy. i cant even smile. i noticed today while i was food shopping i was walking around with a sad face the whole time. I noticed that cause when i smiled at the lady who moved out of my way it felt weird. lol that is so not normal. so i am going to smile more. it kills me. its funny when i was little i remember my grandmother saying if you do that to your face it will stay that way lol and i guess it has. so homework for the week smile more and keep telling myself that i deserve to be happy. :bowl:

1 Comment
  1. ziquester 16 years ago

    In some sad way,whats happened to you has happened to me.And I’d find myself thinking of my ex for no reason at all.
    But Im over her now,found things to do,to keep myself busy with.Taken up new hobbies and new friends and just done fun things in life that keeps me smiling because Im actually living life and loving it.
    But the most important bit was cutting off ALL communication with my ex..to show her I was better than she was.That I deserved WAY better and I have had enough of her crap and bullshit and that I have finally taken control of my life and feelings and put a stop to what made me feel horrible.
    I know theres that yearning to be loved,its a part of everyone I guess.And its easy to fall for someone who gives you the right attention..but theres a limit to that.But keep reminding yourself how much this dude hurt you..the way you think of things now is great.Keep on that track..You deserve better and trust me,you will find peace from your feelings for him that haunt you.
    And yes smile..lol.Smile for no reason,even!
    Take care..

    0 kudos

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