Going thru mental breakdown and trying to take everyones advice. I realized today well listening to some of my fav songs that i have not gotten over my x. Its been over year now but i still have hard feelings. he was awful to me but i still love him. god only knows why. Why i dont understand i cant get over him. he basically used me the first time we went out. that was 4yrs ago. Then he left the state and i swore i would never go back. HA he came back and stupid me fell for the lines again. Things were worse this time but i kept believeing we were good together. I realize i was afraid to be alone. i was with him for all the wrong reasons. and for the 2nd time he left me and moved to another state and i swore i would never go back. sure enough he came back and i stood firm that i wouldnt put up with him using me things were good at first then things went south why did i think they wouldnt. Now he was always leaving state cause his kids were there. So i thought it was understandable. Guess what ? he was leaving the state again but this time was man enough to tell me. he swore he would keep in touch and we would be friends. ha HA I dropped him off at the airport and he didnt even say bye….that moment i knew that i was used again. A month went bye and i got a call it was his wife. I wanted to die how could i be so stupid !!! this jerry springer crap. All i wanted to be was loved and all he to do was say it. With all the things he has done to me and lied about (there must be more i dont know about too) why do i still hurt and miss him ? the one thing i have figured out was … i was with him to be with someone didnt matter what he did to me. He was goregous good in bed … sounds shallow now but its true. I let him do those things to me. The way i feel now if he tried to contact me again i would talk to him so i know i need to work on myself more. I dont deserve what he did. i know i was to good for him. It would take all that i had to say no to him. so as i type this i am trying to figure out what i need to do to get over him. One thing is to believe i am worth so much more. I deserve to be treated the way i treated him. that takes alot of positive thinking which i dont do well. i am going to try. i keep running the scenario in my head. what would i do ? really have to stop doing that. thinking about it to much. i have been focusing on other things so much that i forgot about me and making myself happy. i cant even smile. i noticed today while i was food shopping i was walking around with a sad face the whole time. I noticed that cause when i smiled at the lady who moved out of my way it felt weird. lol that is so not normal. so i am going to smile more. it kills me. its funny when i was little i remember my grandmother saying if you do that to your face it will stay that way lol and i guess it has. so homework for the week smile more and keep telling myself that i deserve to be happy. :bowl: