So this past year or so has been quite a ride for myself and my family.  It had its great moments and a lot of bad and then some questionable choices on my part.  But let me begin by stating I am 38 years old…and i have worked every since i was 16 years old and had a car and could drive. I always have had a job and worked..now have i had a lot of jobs…sure when i was younger and i was in those days of party to make friends and do those things that a lot of younger people do. Not saying 38 is old but well most people can get the drift.  But anyway this past year i left my job i worked at for 5 years and went to work back to a job i had worked at before because it was way better pay and i felt like it was time for a change….but maybe that was a completely bad idea for me…because i lasted 9 months till about the 27th of last month and I just completely had it.  So i quit, This was due to many factors and things i just bit my tounge and never said anything because i would of just told said people off about how lazy they were and ya know i am not about that kind of thing. But i feel like i should of just stayed because it was great money and i was good at what i did.  But then again, i was biting my tounge alot and having to deal with management and people overlooking said lazy people. But anyway, this year i have to say i am proud of myself.. I weened myself off of Anti Depressants and Anti Anxiety meds because it was too much, I took celexia for the longest time literally years and then they changed my meds to Venaflaxine and this med was just awful,  It made me feel better but i got lots of sweats, dizzy spells and finally i got sick of it, I started going to the gym regularly working out and it helped me ween myself of it. Sure i had to deal with a little withdraw symptoms but it went away fast.  And that leads me to how i feel right now.   Before i quit the said job before i got a new job secured..was i feeling it? not really..but i ended up going anyway..and the first day i just felt misrable..didnt want to be there…didnt want to really associate with anyone..i felt mentally drained and i felt completely tired and exhausted physically, i lasted till today and i seen the hours i have to work…constant doubles and closing and having to be up again early in the A.M. It just kind of made it worse for me and really aggrivated me..this is a job working in a restaurant and i find it kind of obsurd to work like that.. Granted Covid has hurt restaurant businesses and people just dont want to work.  But as i worked each day i just kept feeling awful, i didnt want to be there and i kept talking myself into staying and i felt physically exhausted after being there an hour and just out of it.  I called my fiance to talk to her today and she was fine with me just coming home and call it good and we could go from there. But i have felt like this for the past week, i am questioning everything i do and i feel awful. I feel so damn bad like i am a failure to my kids and my fiance.  But i think its maybe due to i stopped working out.. gained back the weight i had lost and just a mixture of maybe being burnt out?  As i have said i always have worked had a job. But then again the last job i had where i actually had vacation time i could use was over 10 years ago…i took a two week vacation.  I usually work a lot in restaurants and shops and well there just isnt time for that. I dunno if taking a week break or two before i start getting another job planned out might help or not. Either way i have to get back in the saddle and find something quick. And a bad thing is this past month i came home to see a for sale sign in our yard without warning from our landlord and we have to be out by the end of this month. Its been trying for sure,  I started looking up blogs and websites for mental health and depression and figured it might help to to just jot some of this down to get it out.  I really do not want to go back to the doctor and get put on a pill again because i worked to hard to get off them.  I feel like i need some kind of rest or reset…My sleep patterns have changed due to my previous jobs working my schedule so awful..closing 4 days in a row open 2, close 2 then open 2…just no consistency, pretty sure that might have something to do with it too. But i dunno it just hope maybe by blogging or joining a support group things might change and help a bit…

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