I'm not sure why, but when I'm in my depressive ruts (as I call them) I get extremley permiscuous.

When I was in highschool I'd sleep with guys to try to fill an empty void [acceptance, being loved, attention from the oposite sex] but found out the hard way sex couldnt fufill those needs.

Well recently i've been "acting out" sexually. Watching TONS of porn, masturbating everyday, flirting with guys online, and yesterday I met with a guy I dont know from Adam, maybe talked to him twice on the phone briefly and had sex. I mean we went on a "date" but still, for me to go back with him to his hotel whichis very abnormal for me.

To make a long story short, while him and I are having sex he begins choking me. (Ok, I liked it ) But then the choking became more frequently and harder and harder to the point I couldnt breathe. He release and I'd be gasping for air. At this point it was getting a little uncomfortable but I still liked it in a weird way….Then all of a sudden he choked me again but it was so hard I began fading out. I grabbed hiswrist trying to pull him off of me but he wouldnt let go. His glasses were foggy so I couldn't see his eyes but he was smiling. "You really trust me with your life, dont you?" he whispered with that blood chilling grin. He finally let up and I felt as though I'd been revived after drowning. My head was throbbing and he continued thrusting.

I want to say I fought him off, or I tried to leave, but no. Even in the midst of that fear I managed to have an orgasm. Why was flirting with death such a turn on? I know I need to leave this man alone becasue something in my mind tells me he'd kill me. But why does his creepiness turn me on?