So it's been a week since I left my mom's house… and I am still very upset. I can't stop the obsessive thoughts about thinking that I am a failure. I know that I am not. Everyone goes through a hard time in their life and sometimes more than once. I have been out of work for four months now.. and with my anxiety, it's hard to control it still, and I want to be able to control it before I get a job. I have been putting a lot of applications in, although one company out of 20 has called me. I had one interview, but yet no call back… that was two weeks ago. I am just sad and overwhelmed sometimes and upset at my mom. And it makes me so mad as to what I feel… and I feel that no one understands.
My step dad pisses me off the most. When I came to live with my mom, everything was fine, but when I had my mental breakdown and stopped working to see a therapist and try to get better, my step dad thought that I was lying. Why the heck would I lie about my anxiety and depression? He said that he didn't want me to live there anymore, and he just wanted him and my mom…no one else… He has seven kids and he kicked them to the curb a long time ago and he did that with my sister when she moved in with my mom for three months three years ago and now he's done the same thing to me. He doesn't give a crap about anyone else.. and it makes me so upset because I took what he said to heart about him not wanting me to be there and saying that I was a freeloader and did this because I wanted to be lazy. I screamed at him and told him that I am not faking what I am going through but he still didn't understand so that's why I got out. The tough part is, I am living back with my dad and the reason that I left my dad's place, was because of when my grandparents passed. At my dad's house there's a lot of items that were my grandma's, and a year ago I had a hard time accepting that they passed… Before I moved out of my moms, I thought that I had accepted my grandparents deaths, but since I have been at my dads for a week… things are starting to come back and I have been having more panic and anxiety attacks. I don't talk to anybody about them because they usually tell me to just "get over it" and "Learn to accept that their gone." Ugh, I am not stupid.. that's what I try to do every single day but I know that it takes time.
I am also seeing my therapist again which is Thursday to see what he has to say about all this… I am just in a bad mood and I don't like it when the sun starts to set during the day because that's when my anxiety starts to increase and peak at night… and i only have half a xanax left until Thurs when I get more.
I just want a job and get back to who I was before and I want to stop the obsessive thoughts about what my step dad was saying to me… I know that I am not a failure and I know that I have come a long way with my depression and I am trying so hard to not let him get to me… that's the biggest struggle that I am going through at this time… well, I am going to try to get some sleep… I am tired and so exhausted and I hope my mind will ease up tonight so I can actually get some rest.