I wish I didn't feel so left out of life. Being social takes so much work. You have to be pleasant, sure of yourself, confident, not try to hard, but try hard enough, don't be to clingy, make sure your an individual, make sure you have similiar interests, and so on. It's really not a matter of putting yourself out there. I can do that, but it seems people really only want other "happy" people to be around.

There is never going to be a time where poof I wake up and I'm healed from my depression and I love myself completely. Well one day it will happen, but it's a very long work in progress. I keep telling myself the more healthy I become the more people will want to be around me.

My expectations are too high I know this. I'm told this again and again.

I don't know what I'm waiting for and to be frank, I don't think its really worth it. People will prove to be there but only after they find a use for you and you've met their conditions.

Do I sound bitter? Oh I am. But I have so many things I'm excited about doing in the future. This continuing education from the community college came today. There are lots of interesting classes on saturdays from self-defense to art history I can take. I'm taking an online writing class now and I'm going to attempt paralegal studies next semester.

I have no social life to speak of. Oh I almost made it to the gym, I had my bag packed before work and I made it to the parking lot. Then my stomach made a protest and I realized it wasn't worth it. I'd go to the gym, feel a little better or annoyed depending on how it went and then I was thinking of going to the movies but I was either going to see Twilight for the fourth time or Australia for the first. I'm not against going to the movies by myself it's just when I'm by myself I think too much to ever really enjoy what I'm doing. I look at other people and I get depressed. Why is it so hard for me?

 

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