Before…

I was born and raised a Christian. Through the years I prayed to God, read my bible, watched all the religious shows, and even looked up on google on how to be a good “daughter of God” I always posted all over my Facebook preaching the word of God and saying how awesome my life is because of God and I never once doubted my beliefs. I felt sorry for those who did not believe, I was willing to lay down my life for God.

After…

I was in a 6 year relationship. I was lied to. Sexually abused. Mentally abused. Bullied by his parents, family, and even him. He perverted the name of God and used it against me as well as using my anxiety against me.

We broke up (finally) and I began to change. At first I prayed but didn’t know who I was praying to for the first time in my life and this really struck me. So eventually, I stopped praying and after I stopped praying I eventually stopped believing. I became angry and in my anger I blamed God. I blamed God for EVERYTHING and this blame caused resentment to arise. Before I knew it, God became a myth to me. A beautiful, perfectly planned/thought out myth that humans made up to make themselves feel good about themselves and use against “nonbelievers.”

I became an athiest and I preached and preached about how God is fake, how religion is used to make us “robots” blah blah blah and I HATED God. I wasn’t just blaming him anymore, I literally HATED him. I cursed him, blamed him, and even began hating Christians.

My heart and soul were full of hatred, anger, and fear.

Now…

I am slowly starting to believe that perhaps there is a God or perhaps even Gods/Goddesses. I am starting to get more attuned to nature and my own self. I would love to start building a relationship with God again but, so much has changed in my life and in me that I’m just not that woman anymore. The girl who sang along with Christian bands, posted bible quotes on facebook, and went to church whenever she could is gone and she’s never coming back. She is now a woman. A woman who has been so broken and beaten down her entire life that she has no energy left in her to put into a God but needs that energy to put into herself. I keep thinking about looking into Wicca but I don’t know that I want to do that. I miss God, I miss my old faith, but the sad and horrible truth is I don’t think I can ever go back. I don’t think God would want me back after everything and if God were listening right now, I think, I really truly do think he would turn his back to me and walk away because that is exactly what I did to him.

5 Comments
  1. austinjwilson 3 years ago

    Nice!!

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  2. troubelled 3 years ago

    I understand. I have been looking for some spiritual home also i meditate pray fast you will find it it just may not be packaged as you expect it. and i am not there but i know the creator will guide me and also you just focus on loving you. be kind to yourself and
    how can the creator leave you…. is everywhere and everything.

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    • Author
      fireheart9294 3 years ago

      Thank you. I have plans to start yoga classes and i’ve been told these can be very spiritual and stress relieving so hopefully it helps get my chakras aligned.

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  3. summerstorm 3 years ago

    Thanks for sharing. I can very much relate to the roller coaster of attitudes toward God/god and my own spirituality. I especially like your line “A woman who has been so broken and beaten down her entire life that she has no energy left in her to put into a God but needs that energy to put into herself.”

    My Before….I was raised in an evangelical christian church, but with a family who did not openly pray or talk about it. I have had anxiety around religion for as long as I can remember. High school was a disaster for me, and after an attempt at suicide, I decided the reason my life was such a mess was that I needed to submit to God’s will for my life. So I jumped head first into the kool-aid. I even married a guy from church right out of high school. And in eventually turning my back on that marriage I also turned my back on anything that resembled religion. I don’t have a specific after because I lived like a yo-yo between hyper spiritual and spiritual avoidance.
    The truth is that in the naivety of my early years I believed in a creator that was also a personal God because wasn’t that what I was taught? About a God who is a PERSONAL lord and savior, someone who cares about everything that matters to you. And yet, I was also taught this same God could not tolerate my “depraved” presence without Jesus’s perfect sacrifice. So how is one, particularly a child, supposed to feel when they are not inherently “good” enough to be tolerated by their protector and comforter? I’m not great with feeling words, but “fragmented” is what comes to mind. I have never fully recovered from the betrayal of my well meaning teachers and I still bristle when I hear people spouting legalistic stupidity. As my experience of betrayal was unintentional, I can only imagine the hurt that could result from the ways in which you were intentionally exploited.

    Because NOW…I do believe in a creator, we can call him God or god, or whatever you like. And I do understand him from a perspective that is basically biblical simply because that is what I know. I actually thought I was atheist for a long time until I realized I was no more sure there was NOT a creator than that is a creator. To me it is just the unknowable. So then I thought I was an agnostic, and maybe I am, but I think of agnostic as indifferent. I’m not indifferent. So I choose to believe there is a creator who I see as benevolent but not intimately involved.
    And I’ve noticed I am drawn to some of the ideas of Taoism , a return to ideas of an interconnected whole and unity. It seems to be corrective to my earlier tendencies to “split off” things about myself that felt bad in some way. I feel more “centered” when I try to accept all the good, bad, and ugly that I truly am. I no longer believe a creator made us “bad” in any way(I know that’s an oversimplification, but I think that’s the heart of it). I try to think in terms of potential to do good or cause harm.

    And you brought tears to my eyes talking about how you miss God, miss your old faith. I miss that, too, along with the innocence that once allowed me to believe so simply. But like you, I can’t go back. But I have found a new version of faith, I suppose. I don’t pray, at least not in any way that most people would recognize as prayer. But sometimes I find that my desires line up with something in the lyrics of a song and it becomes like a prayer. Or maybe it’s just something someone said that struck me as true in ways I didn’t understand. I feel like reflecting on those things is a version of prayer.

    And I always feel closest to the creator when I am experiencing nature. Thunderstorms are my favorite. They are potentially a dark and destructive force of nature that has the result of balancing the atmosphere and nourishing the land. (Hence the user name SummerStorm, lol!)

    Best of wishes embracing a new, more matured spirituality and self!

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  4. daisy18 3 years ago

    God is very understanding and forgiving . He will never turn his back on you. Don’t give up on God because he won’t give up on you . Stay strong .

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