I felt such a high this week so I guess my depression had to drag me down again. I don't understand why I feel this way, it just came on so suddenly. I had such a great day though; I had a nice long lie, a catch up with my best friend and a job interview that went really well. I have an interview tomorrow for another job and I feel a bit nervous for it. But I don't think that's the problem. I just don't understand. I am getting my social life back now because my friends are home for Christmas and I have plans for the weekend.

I don't know why I can't cheer myself up. I felt the warning signs, so I went for a walk and listened to happy music. I even tried a little cry to get it out of my system. Now I just want to hurt myself again. I want to feel some pain. I need something shocking to make me feel something other than numbing sadness. I miss my boyfriend. I just want to be at university. I can't stick being here knowing my friends are out getting a degree and having a great time.  

It's not fair. Why do I have to be the one who gets set back? I want out of my parents house. I just want to scream and hurt. Why do we have to suffer like this? I was feeling so happy for the first time in ages. I hate this so much. I have things that I could be doing, but I just can't face it. I just want to lie in bed, but at the same time I'm restless. WHY? Why is there so much happiness and fun in the world and it passes me by? I'm young and want to be partying and getting drunk. I want to be stressing over exams. I want to suffering from hangovers while working for a degree. Why can't I have that? I worked so hard in school and ended up getting the highest possible grades to end up working in a shop. 

I miss my boyfriend so much. I'm not going to see him for another week and it's killing me. I am so miserable right now. F*** this life.


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