So, I had to go view my phone bill online to get the guy that I just ended it with’s phone #. i had deleted all of his texts and his calls after he left the other night. So, I may write him a text telling him I’m sorry for everything or I may call him. I’m still on the fence about it though. I mean, I ‘m just going to get rejected but I guess that’s what I need so that I can  get over my fear of  rejection. I think next year my resolution will be to date as many guys as I can so that I can conquer my fear. Isn’t that what datings all about – trying things out. Instead, I usually will date someone for a couple of months and then when it ends I won’t date for like a year.

Other than that, I’m stressed about money. Or rather, the lack thereof. But, who isn’t?

And, I’m thinking that I may take a Remeron tonight so that I can sleep. I was up all night last night. I don’t think that I fell asleep until 6am. And, I’ve almost smoked a pack of cigarettes in the last 7 or 8 hours. That can’t be good. So, I think I will quit again tomorrow. I’ll finish the pack, take a Remeron and sleep thru most of the withdrawls, I hope.  It shouldn’t be too hard — I quit so often.


It’s funny, I quit smoking for 4 years and then after I was diagnosed with cancer, I started smoking again. Granted, i was also going thru a very difficult breakup as well. But, ever since then, I’ve had a really hard time with smoking. and, I know how bad it is, but it’s so hard to  quit. i think it’s time to go and stock up on suckers. They seem to help the most with the cravings.

  1. between_extremes 13 years ago

    Dating is so confusing.  I operate based on a fear of rejection too. 

    Good luck with quitting smoking.  I hope it sticks this time.

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  2. maryfsunshine 13 years ago

    Thanks so much – I really appreciate it. Actually, an update: said guy in question wrote me on Sunday, so we aren”t over. He likes me in spite of me or maybe he just accepts me for who I am. I know one thing for sure, i am no longer going to do any sabotaging—-subconsciously or not. I really like him and I already know what it feels like to lose him and I DON”T want that! So, we”re just going to slow things down for awhile.

    And, I”ve been single for the last 3 or so years—-that fear just never goes away. But, I”m just now thinking that it may. Or at least, i will just try and live in the moment for a change instead of making so many assumptions and jumping the gun.

    Unfortunately, the smoking thing is a little bit harder. I didn”t smoke all day Sunday but I did buy a pack this morning and sadly I”ve already smoked all of them and am now on 2nd pack. YIKES!! So, I”m going to bite the bullet and get the patch.

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