I can’t do this any more…I can’t sit around and smile and pretend nothing is wrong when everywhere I look I’m reminded of the one thing I want the most but will never get. Everyone always says not to dwell on the past, just love what you have yadda yadda. I have always believed in having no regrets, that every choice I made was one I wanted at the time. But this one I don’t think I ever really wanted. I thought that it would get easier, I did it for my relationship. I mean, we wouldn’t  have made it if I hadn’t quit. So I got my fairytale romance, but at what cost? This is killing me. I don’t know who I even am any more except for this pathetic little pile of crap. I have become so far detached from the world that my entire life feels like a dream. Like I’m not really controlling my body, I mean it”s me, it’s how I would act I think, but I’m not the one doing it. It’s as if my body is on auto-pilot and my mind is just watching. It used to be like this but not this bad. This is scary. Sometimes I look around and I don’t have any idea how I got to where I was. It’s like being constantly high without the choice to stop. I haven’t done anything to hurt myself yet but I fear that I might very soon. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I could just cause a little bit of pain…so maybe I can bring myself back. When I think like that I wonder if I really would have been able to make it through training…but maybe I would have gotten better there. I could have been focused, had something worth doing. Instead I am just a lonely loser with no one to turn to but my out of touch boyfriend who unknowingly makes me feel worse about myself with almost every word that comes out of his mouth. He talks about my mother like she is the devil, he tells me I am stupid quite frequently, but worst of all he spends so much time talking about how dumb the guard is and how much he hates it. He doesn’t even realize how much that meant to me and I threw it away for him and he doesn’t even appreciate it. But I can’t ever tell him that or go back to the guard or really do anything that I want because it will crush him. I am only 18 years old and I already have my future planned out. We act like we are a 70 year old married couple. We don’t go out or have friends or do anything. I am 18!! I’m supposed to be at college, partying it up, making bad decisions and all that. But I can’t even sit down and have a beer with my parents because I will feel too bad that he can’t. He can’t drink because it wil kill him. And all I can think about is myself. I really am pathetic.


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