So where am I at? Well lets state the undeniable truths: I am Nick, I am a 29 year old gay male, I am HIV positive/ undetectable, I am an addict with 150 days of a drug abstinence, and I am struggling to find hope for the future. Each day is a roller coaster ride of emotions lately. I like the mood map on here but I swear If it were to track me by the hour it would be like a ride at six flags or some theme park. I want to focus on just one day, today for instance. Not a bad day, I worked a bit, solved a issue with a task that I had thought was done but wasn’t. That was annoying and hurt my pride a bit but alright. I closed work early, due to a “family emergency” aka my mom turned 57 today and was going to spend the night alone since my dad was working. So I closed 2 hours early and took my mom to dinner. Dinner was pretty good, even had a cute server. I’m not really sure that the conversation was all that meaningful with my mom, I guess it was my presence that mattered. I was happy and present in the moment the entire time until that server showed up. I really don’t know where I’m going with this except that I had a good day and now I feel overwhelmed with emptiness…I feel less than because of my status. How do I get away from defining myself by it? Like I can’t change it, I could have prevented it but I cant change it now. I have so many other things that I can try to move past, why am I stuck on this? Am I actually stuck on this or do I not want to fix the rest? what’s the rest?  I should delete this but I wont, I don’t understand why I’m here. I want to know my place and be happy there, I want to chase my joy. I just don’t know where to start.

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