It's gone..

My fire.. My will.. It's gone.

So early in the morning, but I'm already feeling everything crash down on me..

I'm done fighting.. I'm done hoping things will get better..

If there was a chance that they would get better, something would've happened by now..

But six whole months of nothing? You can't tell me that things will ever change..

I don't want to talk anymore because every single time I say something, I get yelled at.. Or argued with.. Or it's just too unimportant for anyone to listen..

I feel empty inside.. I feel like everything is broken.. My mind.. My heart.. My emotions.. My body..

I can't fix any of it.. I was stupid to think I could..

I was never strong enough to tell my parents anything..

I was never strong enough to stand up to my sister..

I was never strong enough to make a change in my own life..

I'm not strong enough to handle this..

I'm not strong enough to tell my friends why I've lost contact..

I'll never be able to accomplish my life goals.. Good thing I noticed now before I wasted my life trying..

I'll always be a failure.. A psycho.. A disappointment.. To everyone and myself..

I've lost my gripon reality.. I've lost my hold on my life.. I've lost my respect for myself.. I've lost the knowledge of how to be normal.. I've lost it all..

I'm clueless.. I'm powerless.. I'm hopeless..

All this suffering has broken everything in me.. No one should have to suffer so long without a single break, or even a hint of things getting better.. It's pure torture..

My future looks dark.. Full of worry, anxiety, disappointment, failure, loneliness.. Nothing but a repeat of the past 6 months, over and over again..

I've prayed.. I've hoped.. I've done so much.. But I get absolutely no relief..

It hurts.. It hurts so much.. To see myself wither away.. To see my smile and the light about me fade.. My personality, once my favorite part of me, it's ruined..

I have nothing to show for my hardships.. Nothing but battlescars, and everlasting bruises..

I've tried so hard.. But I just can't anymore..

1 Comment
  1. ancientgeekcrone 7 years ago

    I agree with what you say. Nevertheless, I can tell you from my own experience, that while life as it is now is terrifying, 6 months is a drop in the bucket on the road to learning about your illness, learning its triggers, learning to refocus.   One does not learn how to co-exist with a recurring illness in a mere 6 months. I am sorry to be the bearer of such news. I fell into my depression in my late 20's. I didn't learn to manage it until I was in my 40's. It takes a belief that you can get well, dogged determination, a willingness to learn and apply what is being learned, a mindfulness about practicing good mental health. I kept a journal of all my emotions, of how I felt, I kept writing until I didn't feel in the grip of the emotion. I exercised regularly, being in water classes anywhere from 3 to 6 days a week. I learned to pay attention to what I ate. Some foods over a long haul deplete you rather than support you. I went to therapy and practiced the suggestions. I took my medications as prescribed. I missed long periods of work and used up all my sick leave; but I survived, then I learned to thrive. I learned to appreciate peace and contentment and how to fill solitary time. They were enless years when I was going through them; but looking back they were all worth it. I leaned to be in the drivers seat of my emotions instead of being tje victim of them. I made a life for myself. I did not let myself become a victim of my illness. I will not fool you; progress was often 1 step forward and 2 steps back. Often life was just surviving. Just surviving told me I was durable and capable of more. I am no 80 years old, will be 81 in August. Was it worth it? It was to me, I learned how incredibly strong a person can be. Over the years I developed a lot of phyical stuff too. But I am here. I survived, I endured, I lived and I found joy. Was life the same. No. The lessons one learns changes you forever. And the changes were for the better. Now, it is your turn to take up arms against the sea of troubles and by living and learning, oppose the and become triumphant.

     

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