I have given up on the search for Jesus. He is simply not here. I’ve tried everything and nothing has happened. I feel close to Mother Gaia and Mother Selene (goddess of the earth and goddess of the moon), so for now they will be my spiritual companions. My therapist is going to be bringing in my pastor to our therapy sessions (if my priest gets back to him, that is), to help me try and reconnect with God. I am going to remain open-minded and welcome anything my pastor has to say on the subject, but I am not going to be doing anymore searching for Jesus on my own. It’s been exhausting and discouraging, to say the least. And especially since my spiritual director has bowed out, I just don’t have the energy to look for a new one. I emailed a lady at the Mercy Center whose job it is to help find spiritual directors, but she never got back to me. I see that as a signal to just give up, at least for now. Maybe I will resume the search in the future, but for now I need a break from it. It’s too depressing to keep calling out to a God that is not there.

I’ve run out of my green tea, I need to buy some more. And I need more soymilk. But I will wait until tomorrow, I am doing laundry today, and I only have so much energy to put out in one day. Usually if I am doing laundry, I don’t go anywhere and just focus on that. Besides, I am bloody terrified to go anywhere, after the way my last two attempts to take a walk have gone. I’m having a cup of genmaicha, I still have a few of those left, as well as a few oolongs. Lately I have not been in the mood for herbal teas, even though I have several. I have only felt like having green tea and oolong, which I suppose is why I’m already out of the green tea. I feel so terrible right now, it feels like I am disappearing! Everything around me looks like it is disappearing too! I go through this every bloody day, it’s so tiring, and I don’t know what to do about it anymore! The bad voice would have me believe that my husband isn’t real, that nothing in my life is real, and I’m going to die. Unfortunately, the way everything looks to my eyes confirms this. Nothing looks real, it all looks like it’s disappearing! I don’t know what to do, everything looks so dark to me, it’s really frightening. And it’s only 9:00! How am I going to get through the next seven hours and fifty minutes? Hopefully it will be less time than that, since my husband and I have a tax appointment at 5, so hopefully my husband will be home early to make sure we get there on time.

I am losing my mind with how terrible everything looks! It feels like I need to hold onto something, yet there is nothing to hold onto! When I go outside, everything looks dark even though the sun is out, I can’t stand it! My husband thinks it is a side effect of my medication that has caused this change in my vision, because he says everything looks normal to him. My landlady and my neighbor also say everything looks normal to them, and it’s just me that sees the darkness. I can’t take it anymore! I need light! What on earth is going on? It’s just terrible how everything looks to me, I can’t take it anymore! It’s just too dark! The sun is out and it’s too bright, but it’s not illuminating the world properly, everything looks like it’s in dark shadows. I KNOW it’s not normal, it’s just not! How in the world does everyone else see the world like normal and it looks so terrible to me? I don’t understand it! It’s not fair! I want to see the world like normal too! It feels like everything is getting distorted and strange to my eyes, like it’s all disappearing! I don’t know what to do! I need to hang in there until he comes home, but I don’t know how! It all feels like I’m sinking fast!

My husband said, “Baby you’re ok, it’s just a feeling.” But it doesn’t feel like just a feeling, this feels like it’s actually happening to me! I need help! I’m scared! I want my husband! How on earth am I going to get through the next seven hours and forty minutes? The bad voice says, “You’re not.” How sick I am of hearing the bad voice, and how sick I am of feeling like I’m disappearing! I’m going to make cereal and yogurt, it usually feels better if I eat something. How sick I am of the darkness! It looks like everything is caving in on me! How I wish I could just feel ok again! I’m disappearing right now! I need my husband to come back! He told me not to forget that I have an illness, and he said I always overcome. But it doesn’t feel like I can overcome this! I really truly feel like I’m disappearing! I don’t feel grounded, I don’t feel whole. I don’t feel like I’m really here. I just texted my husband letting him know that I feel like I’m disappearing. How I wish he would just come home! I can’t take this anymore, everything looks dark, everything looks frightening, I don’t feel like I’m here at all! What I need is to get back on the Zyprexa again, I felt so much better when I was on it.

My husband dropped off the application for a discount on Zyprexa to my doctor’s office today, so hopefully I will be getting it soon. I don’t know how long it will take for them to process and hopefully approve my application. And then they will have to ship the Zyprexa to my house, which will take some time as well. I need it now! My husband thinks the dark shadows that I see are a side effect of my medication. I think so too, because I didn’t start seeing them until after I started my medication. The risperidone doesn’t do a darn thing, only the Seroquel helps. It really feels like the world is caving in on me! I’m barely here! The bad voice says I’m in hell and that’s why I’m going through all of this with no relief. My therapist thinks the bad voice is just a product of my subconscious. The bad voice tells me he’s the devil and that’s why I have no control over how I feel or how things look, I don’t have a choice anymore. My husband said as long as I’m breathing I have a choice of how I want to live my life, but the bad voice just says, “Better stop breathing then!” How scary is that? Especially when I don’t feel like I have any control over what happens to me. I can’t control these psychotic episodes, and lately they just feel like one long episode without end, only stopping when I go to sleep at night. I have been having such good dreams, but then I wake up to this nightmare.

I can’t take the darkness anymore, I really can’t! It’s too dark to my eyes, everything is dark even though the sun is out! The sun doesn’t look like the sun anymore, it just acts like a too-bright spotlight that only illuminates a small area, leaving everything else in darkness. I can’t take the darkness anymore! The bad voice is scaring me and putting frightening images in my mind that won’t go away. There is very little light getting in through my eyes, everything is dark! I feel like I’m going blind. I wish this were just a mental thing and not physical, but it’s become physical in the last month or so. My whole body feels like it’s disintegrating and I can barely breathe! I hate this so much, and I don’t know what to do about it! I am going to go water my plants. The world is so dark, I need light! Where is the light?

The world only looks normal at night, when the stupid sun goes down. I can’t stand the darkness anymore! I really can’t! Why is this happening to me? When will the light return? The sun just isn’t normal out there, nothing looks right to my eyes. The mornings look like dusk to me, and inside my house everything looks dark. If it is my medication that’s causing this, should I stop taking it? It’s true that I didn’t start seeing dark shadows until I started my medication. But how do I know which medication is causing it? It must be the risperidone, because I didn’t have it this bad until I switched to the risperidone. I don’t think it’s the Seroquel, the Seroquel usually helps me. I didn’t have it this bad when I was on the Zyprexa. I need to be on the Zyprexa again! And I don’t feel like I can wait for this silly application process, I need it now! I’m going to take my Seroquel early, I don’t care that I’m not supposed to take it until bedtime, it really helps me get through the day. I will wait until 10 o’clock to take it. Everything looks like it’s melting around me, like everything is disappearing! When will I get some relief? When will the world go back to normal? The bad voice says, “Never!” That can’t be true.