I'm so down after what happened last night. Not being able to see K because of such a stupid reason. I felt terrible about it and what's worse is I might lose him now! 5 years of waiting for him to come back and now he doesn't even want to come over because of my parents being here… I just feel terrible about this. How can I keep his attention now?

So that led me to a drinking and eating binge. It was bad. Listening to songs all night on YouTube and going on FB posting ridiculous things. I can not tell you how many times I promised myself that I wouldn't do that ever again.

Initially, I was drinking and listening to music to cheer myself up, but of course I got all out of control again. I even bid on some things I will never be able to afford on eBay. I am sooo down. Not just down, depressed. How can I not be incredibly depressed!?

What's worse is I was chatting with a theater person I used to know and he knew about me and K hooking up. HOW? I don't understand. This doesnt' make sense, could it just be that he put 2 and 2 together? I am sooo sick of drama and gossip and I don't want anything to jeopardize what I worked so hard for with K. I just can't take this stress. I want to just die, I do! I hate saying that lightly, but I feel sooo terrible, so fucking terrible about this. I CAN'T lose K's attention again. I need him in my life. He IS my life andhas been my lifesince the moment I met him 5 and a half years ago. And all these years when he wasn't around, all these years after he left me, I knew someday I'd see him again. That someday is NOW and I can't lose him. I just can't. I will absolutely die.