Mood: Highly anxious, frustrated, lonely and sad.

 

I’ve been trying to help a suicidal friend who has crazy family, and trying to get her to seemingly sane father who her crazy mother seems to think is abusive but he doesn’t sound it, but I stopped her from committing suicide so many times, she wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for me. Her mother hadn’t a clue; her mom was on her about suicide for about a month and then forgot about it and only cared about herself.

This girl is my BEST friend. BEST friend. The best friend I wish I had had long ago, but never knew until maybe a year ago. She proved herself over and over, and I tried to be the same for her.

Her mom has cut off all contact with me because she thinks “I’m bad news” and “Conspiring against her.” because she thinks it was my idea, I think, to want her daughter to have emancipation, when I’m not, I only want my friend in a safe and healthy environment and I’m going to encourage that. My friend says if she lives with her mom she is going to go nuts and kill herself no matter what, so I’m trying to be that option, but her mom…is so… I don’t even know. She actually wants a restraining order on me for showing up hours early to see my best friend in the mental help center thing she was at, but that can’t because she can only have supervised visits (that was obviously her idea) , what does she think I’m doing to her daughter?

She’s monitoring everything her daughter does. She says in a past life I did something to her to get to her daughter??? She is making this up I tell you, she thinks I’m some evil person or something, when all I’ve done was help keep her daughter alive, and help try and heal her. If it wasn’t for me she wouldn’t have known, and she would’ve been…1 month dead not including months before.

I know this doesn’t sound too bad, but it is. Her mom is isolating her, and only wants to keep her so she won’t lose her I think. It’s so complicated it makes my head spin. I spent a week there and my friend is made to do everything around the house and is the only one making any decent money. She makes dinner, and her mom doesn’t say thank you, and she barely says “I love you” and the only time she does it is in front of my parents!

I’m dying without my friend though. I need her. I can’t even imagine how much she is dying with not being able to talk to me. It’s not fair to her! She needs me! I need to know she’s okay! I want to be able to hear from HER with her OWN voice, “I’m doing okay here in the mental facility.”

She was the only one I could talk openly about my OCD with and she helped me talk it out and realize it’s OKAY, it’s OCD. I’m going crazy cuz I’m afraid to let anyone else know. I’m breaking down slowly, and all I can think is, “You’re evil to think this…” “To make your mom not die you should go touch the door knob across the class room!” and there are so many triggers around me at school, sometimes I just want to throw up. I can slowly feel all of my fears coming back to me and I feel defenseless. I’m not paying attention in class anymore because my mind is too busy with its circles, and worst case scenarios and all of my fears.

I’m scared and alone. Most of the ‘friends’ I have in school…they don’t ask me how I am. I feel like they don’t care. I ask them how they are, and 1 out of ten will ask back. I don’t understand. Most of them come to me if they need something I noticed. But oh well. Those are just my friends in school. I have one more outside of school that cares but I don’t talk to her as often.

I hope my friend is okay. I’m so worried about her so far away and unable to see her or talk to her. I hope she sneaks a call when she can go home for 8 hours, there are so many things I need to ask her. Because in a letter she told me she wanted her dad to have full custody now I’m hearing FROM HER MOM (who won’t let anyone talk to her basically) that her daughter doesn’t want him to have custody, which doesn’t make sense from all of the information I have been given for the past three weeks prior to the no talking, she has told me SPECFICALLLY if she lives with her mom, she will kill herself and or she will go completely insane! I don’t understand this! I’m so worried right now, but lawyers are on the case and there’s DCYF involved as well.

I just want things to work out for the greatest friend I EVER had in my entire short life, (since I’m still young).

-sigh- I just really want her to be okay.

 

I hope all of you are well too! <3

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