Never blogged here before. I am just at a loss as to what is going on with me. I am comfortable talking about my issues really but maybe typing things out will help in some way.
I just feel like I am falling apart. I have not felt like this in ages. Years. I have made it through a divorce. Moved to another country. Re-married. Dealt with friends and family that won't speak to me because I moved. All of it and never felt this bad.
In fact, things in my life are improving all the time. I am mending fences with my oldest son. I am in love again. I am even leaving in a few days to see my kids and grandkids. Why am I feeling like this now?
The only thing that I can think of is that a few weeks ago I had to go to the doctor. I hate the Doctor. They had to do some tests. I freaked. I was sure it was the end for me. Because of the doctor shortage here they only call you if something is wrong. I have not gotten a call. I was told if something was wrong they would have called right away. That was a month ago. A normal person would be happy. Not me……..I am sure they have over looked something and someone dropped the ball and did not call me.
That whole thing made me face the fact that some day I am gonna die. I am terrified of being sick and death. Terrified.
I am back to the feeling of giving up. I want someone to just come in and take care of me. There is no one. As much as I love my husband, he is not the strong one. I am the one that has to hold things together and reassure him. I don't have parents anymore and no siblings. I feel so alone at times.
This sounds like a huge pity party. Guess that is why I never blog.
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If something was wrong, they would have definitely called you. If it would make you feel better, call them. You are paying for their services, so they need to make you feel comfortable. Ask them to explain the tests they did and why they were necessary. You are the only one who knows what will make you feel better, feel good, and never be afraid to ask questions to get to that point.
Death is a terrifying thing, but you know what the one cool thing is about it? Every single person on this earth, rich, poor, short, tall, happy, depressed, etc… has to do it. It is the one thing everyone has in common, therefore the one thing that everyone can relate to. There will be a day when you will come to peace with this. I thought that I never would, and sometimes it still scares the hell out of me if I think about it, but I decided to do something about it because it is one thing that is inevitable. I started doing hair and makeup at funeral homes, and the first time I was like, "What am I doing?". I couldn't believe I was actually doing this. It took a couple minutes of crying and then this sense of calm filled the room. It was then that I realized that everything for this person was now okay. They no longer had to suffer. I was looking at their shell and knowing that they were happy, and had begun another life outside of their body. I don't know your religious beliefs, or if you have any at all, but I have read some of Sylvia Brown. What she talks about in her books really makes a ton of sense and it has seemed to help me. She doesn't go on and on about religion or anything in her books. Maybe try to read some of these to relieve some anxiety.
I hope this helped you out a little bit. If you ever need to talk, I am here. You will get through this. You have made it this far, and you will continue to make it because you are a strong woman. (Now you are suppossed to roar, right?) I will keep you in my thoughts.