Anxiety runs like clockwork, and starts every night around 630pm, and may or may not quit by 1 or 2 in the morning.
I feel low most of the time. Sometimes, I think about my life being pointless, and I pray for death. I try to think if I would like to read the bible, but my interest has faded along with any faith I did have. Sometimes, I wish I could snap my fingers and love God, but it takes more work than that.
I used to get really excited about the future, kids especially. I used to swell with love at the thought of being pregnant. Now, it makes me feel kind of sick to think about it. (which may or may not be at the root of the problems of my & my husband\'s sex life, or lack thereof.)
Sex makes me nervous like it used to when I was fourteen.
I delete blogs that I\'m embarrassed by, but they don\'t go away: the events are still there and everything still played out the same.
I haven\'t seen my friends in weeks. I just feel low, low, low.
Aaron\'s been dead for over a year now. May 23rd was the year.
I don\'t really feel any better about it. And I still apologize when I say I miss him, because I still feel like I don\'t deserve to miss him so much.
Every time I break down with anxiety, I tell my husband that I\'m "sick" or that I\'m "broken". I really do feel broken, and very much sick. I know I need therapy, but I\'m really scared. I feel like they will tell me nothing of value and waste my time, or they will find out that behind everything that I portray, behind my impressive resume and confident veneer, I am really just a sick, sick little girl who doesn\'t stand a chance.