I’m not in the mood to sit here today and whine about how I’m feeling, so forgive me if I’m largely factual. I’m in a logical kind of place; the emotional side of it is all too messy right now.
So this whole 9/11 thing is stressful (for the entire country)… Personally, I knew 4 people that died that day; and I worked across the street (130 Liberty, the Deutche Bank building that was condemned) for 4 yrs. Working in NYC today, I can say that many people that I work with knew someone, and have a personal story from that day involving what we saw, how we got out of the city, etc etc. Fast forward to this year, and the terror threat is elevated, and there is a major police presence; times sq is riddled with police choke points, and the police / fire have made it a habbit of getting around town with lights and sirens. This is where my “condition” starts to come out to play.
I do not / will not talk about many of my thoughts and/or compulsions; but after 9/11 I immersed myself in books and documentaries on bioterrorism. I was convinced that there was to be an attack that released Ebola or some other nasty into the city. I needed to know the wind direction, and have an escape route in the event of ANYTHING at all times. With this most recent “credible threat”, the volume is again getting turned up. This time though, it’s concerning me more because I’m not planning escape routes and buying plastic for the windows…… This time, the thoughts are getting mashed up with the depression and what is popping out is this weird delusional passive suicide mentality…. For example, times square is a target… I need to walk through times square every day (whereas I used to go west and cut across that way to avoid possible targets)… Yesterday I took the early bus home. It travels through the Lincoln tunnel. Tunnels and bridges are listed as potential targets this time, I actually considered waiting to take a later bus because then it was going to be the peak of rush hour which is when things would go to sht.
There’s the rational side of me that is sitting here thinking clearly and saying exactly what I stated above…. That the OCD and the depression are tag teaming me in a way that’s just completely off the wall and I need to compartmentalize those thoughts and file them away in the box of nasty. I have children and a loving wife that I care for and want to be around for. My fear is that the irrational side of me looms it’s head at the worst possible times. It fcks with me, as it does for many of us. How do I know if I’m losing my grip? How do I know that I will maintain control in my dark place? I used to be scared of alcohol with meds, now I double up on Ativan after a martini I know, that alone is not going to do anything to me, but what’s concerning is where my head is at when I do these things. It almost feels like I’m taking baby steps in a bad direction.
The compulsions have skyrocketed as part of this twisted opera. I have been pulling hairs out, avoiding mirrors/reflections, taking only certain paths in my own house, cannot wash knives due to the sick thought of gutting myself like a pig (It’s so embarrassing to have to ask my wife to wash knives because “my doctor told me to ask you to do it for me for now”)… Ok, that’s enough about my ridiculous compulsions. There are tens of others that run rampant in my mind 24×7; let’s just leave it at that.
Then there’s the bi-products like a complete lack of concentration. If a thought stays in the forefront of my mind for more than a minute, it’s miraculous.
So….. I’m not sure if I’m simply vomiting a stream of consciousness here, looking for someone to empathize, or passing time at work because I can’t concentrate. Regardless, this is officially a rant and I apologize if you have burned through an entire cup of coffee reading this bullsht. I’m trying to not “hide” my OCD any more and I guess this is all part of the process.
I owe you all a beer for taking so much of your time.