So, today is already a trip and it just turned noon!

First up, Teddy. He had his visit and guess what? No surgery! His dew claws are stabilizing (hey, I have no clue), he is not diabetic (though he does have a kidney infection), and there's nothing wrong with his teeth. So my boy got two presents for spending three hours there. He seems to prefer Crocodile over Lamby, and that's fine.

I also won three things from a claw machine today (including a hat, thank you very much). It's one of my weird skills–claw machines. I don't know why.

Let's get to the real topic here, though. BOYS! Seriously, what is going on with them? I'm going to try to make sense of this, but I'm using initials to delineate boy from boy because I don't want to give their names (sometimes two initials or three depending on how many share something in common).

I'm going to start with my D, because that's where last night began after I woke up, watched The Towering Inferno for the glory of Steve McQueen and fire, and had to stay up. D's my ex-boyfriend. He's a doll–a gentleman and a genuinely nice guy. And when it comes to looks–wow. Aside from being naturally gifted with what seems to draw me to a guy (dark hair and dark eyes), he's got muscles upon muscles. 1, 2, 3, 4 I love the Marine Corps! D also has the heart of prince–the man spent part of his life in Rome with his grandfather drooling over a poster of Maria Callas (a Marine who likes opera, go figure).I love Maria Callas, too. I love Rome. D and I were an off and on item for severalreasons–mainly N, another guy (in fact, I guess ifwe're technical, he's my third ex-fiance). See, N has been claiming to be in love with me for thelast four years. And I believe him. Ididn't always, because it seemed so strange. Like, how doyou love someone unrequited for four years? (Not entirely unrequited, we've had little blasts of on, but mostly off). Iwas dating D. N was still a friend. N didn't like D very much. Suffice itto say N tells me some stuff about D that can't be proven or disproven. At this point, D's pretty new in my life and I can't say he fully had my trust. Neither did N. However, I've known N longer and I suppose as far as trust goes, I had more trust there. So I left D. And N takes a shot at me. Again. For whatever reason, I wind up back with N. Then D comes to me and tells me some stuff about N–stuff that can't be proven or disproven, however, it sure sounds a lot like something N would do and N doesn't have the greatest answers. So I left N. And D decides he wants me back despite leaving him and going to N. So I'm back with D. Then N comes around again and well…I've something of a soft spot for N. Four years. I wind up back with N. Except N puts tons of effort into winning me and then gets complacent. And I just don't do that. I'm not a girl you date and ignore. That's what blow-up dolls are for. So, I left N and I think, once again, wound up with D. Around this time, N approaches D to be friends.Except, out of the blue, he tries to get me back. I'm caught in the middle. And then…I realized something. In the entire time I dated N (which over four years probably added up to four months considering all the fighting and leaving I did), I never gave it my all. I admit to being jaded after P (my second fiance) left me and thinking nothing will last. So I put very little effort into relationships. I know when they're for fun and I know when I'd like them to be serious, but I find reasons why they can't work. I decide to make a choice and give N a real shot, because I'm tired of having this huge "what if" in my love life. Naturally N plays this to his best advantage. He asked me to marry him. I said yes. Not anytime soon, mind you, but I'd work toward marriage with him. Well, N has two kids. N has responsibilities. N has time for the most bizarre things on earth. For me? I seem to get lost in the shuffle. I should say I do not have a thing against dating guys with kids. T, the neighbor I had a fling with, has kids, and that was great because I love the girls and they love me…and now that T and I are again on talking terms (better than talking terms, it seems)I actually got to see my girls the other day without a hassle(which was emotional). T's also a dish, just not somebody I think I could live with. Which is fine–I'm all for unconventional marriage. He could stay in his house, I could stay in mine if that were to happen. With N, it seemed I got to develop a relationship with the kids more through a distant, financial manner (they were going to be my stepkids, absolutely I'm going to look after them). Except N's always busy. I figured out my "what if" and ditched N as a fiance, but not as a friend. He's depressed about this. D has been around a lot lately and admitted the other day he still loves me some and he's constantly flirting with me, but told me he isn't sure he can trust me after how many times I went back to N and how N kind of screwed him over by claiming tobe his friend and going after me so hard(and I get that). Last night we got down to brass tacks. He thought I wouldn't take -him- back because of something I said when we had an argument. We both still have feelings for each other…and I guess we're a maybe? I don't know. He was talking about the song Jessie's Girl last night (linked me to it because it's now his favorite song) and what happens today? Jessie's Girl plays twice on the radio on two different stations like within a minute of the one ending and the other beginning. Weird. It gets more complicated.

See, when I date, it makes AC jealous. And I get that. I get jealous of AC's significant other, too, and it takes a lot to make me jealous.I'm extremely blase, not easily interested in something enough to pursue it if it wanders or pursue it even if it doesn't wander. I guess, from an architectural perspective, I'm Fort Knox (why I'm thinking of architecture I have no idea). AC, though, is different. I'm in love with AC. I can admit that. AC would be a great husband. There are just so many problems with that scenario (that don't even have anything to do with the fact that AC is married) that I can't process it half the time. We agree we're a "what if" and neither of us makes any bones about our feelings really. I spend a great deal of time with AC. I don't want to make AC jealous, however, I don't want to spend my time waiting on a "what if" that might never happen. And then there's B.

B is new. B is a friend of a friend…of a friend, I guess. B has been relentlessly pursuing me for weeks with no real declaration of what he wants. Now, B is hot (not muscular, more of an elegant build). I can say this because it's obvious and if the man owns a mirror, he knows it. He's also a major metrosexual (he wears concealer, loves fast Italian cars, loves designer labels…so…you can see what we have in common). He's Turkish in the United States here for…-college-. That's right, B's 22. And his big thing to me is that he's dated a girl much older. Which is nice to know, but I get leary playing the cougar. What is it with young guys? They flock to me and it's weird. So B, for whatever reason, decides to cam/call me at like 5 am/6 am. I love his place. I love his taste. He's got a great voice (love the accent). He's funny. He's interesting. And no matter how many times I turn the conversation to something else, he turns it back to sex or flirting (I know, -me- changing the subject). I try to turn him into something I can't see myself with because…come on. He's not at a great commitment age, he screams man whore to me (which I told him), he's got some vices that I don't need to be around (drinking and smoking), and he'd be a gentleman if he didn't swear as much as I do…so he isn't one, I guess. Also, he claims his father would kill him if he got married at this age (he's from a mixed marriage–Greek Orthodox and Muslim…and he is not religious at all). So, the only point to this relationship, I think, could be the sheer fact that he's eye candy and fun. Still, by the end of the night on cam, I've seen practically all of his body because he's drunk and getting ready for bed (no, not everything, he kept his boxer briefs on). He's a great guy, though. More so than I knew before. At this age I'm looking to get married, though, not date for kicks…and though both D and B would make -gorgeous- babies (and D is kind of like breeding back toward one of my own nationalities), I don't see how this can go anywhere. So I spend all my time calling him a man whore or my new bff girlfriend because he wears concealer or telling him he looks like a baby bear (hard to explain). Anything I can think of to tell myself "no, do not fall for B". We'll see how that goes.

Then, there's M. It sounds very Bondesque, doesn't it? M is older. Way older. (There's another D in the same category, but not worth mentioning). M never misses a chance to flirt with me, has copped a feel on me, and…well, I need M right now. Aside from the fact that M is married, has kids my age, and a gorgeous place in a very desirable location that his wife hates and his wife knows he's a whore…M can get me something I need. Something my doctor shot me down on. Something I'm sure my shrink is going to shoot me down on, despite myarticles relating to the subject that I've found and printed for my appointment. M can write me a prescription for hydrocodone, which is the only thing that helps me sleep (when mixed with xanax and benadryl). And M would. I've always thought womanhood isn't quite so grand without an affair with an older, sage, rich man. I like the idea of being a mistress. I've offered to come visit M (he's done me some favors) and spend some time at that lovely property his wife hates so much. And I think I could date him. Since he's still -at- said place, though, I need to call him or order some absinthe to start getting some sleep (no, nothing from the States, I'm talking the real good stuff). I love the ritual that goes with absinthe. Little sugar cube on a slotted spoon, decanter of cold water, creating the louche. And I like the taste. Unfortunately, I think dabbling in that is going to be worse for me than dabbling in hydrocodone. And personally, I don't care if this puts me into the junkie category. I'd rather have a year of sanity than a hundred years of madness. I function better when I'm taking what I was taking. Right now? I'm moody. My nerves are wild. I can't sit still. And I'm tired of dealing with it. So, either today or tomorrow I want to call M and see if he's willing to do me another favor.

The only other news I have is that J (a friend) has conscripted me to work on her website and that's been mildly rewarding, and I've been getting plenty of writing done. Trying not to shop as much. Still waiting on my lithograph. And that is it.

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