I fear anymore that my son who is only 16 months will be taken from me any day now by God. I want him to have a long and full life but I just fear that he will be taken early in his life. I don't know how to get that out of my head.
I say I failed my son because I live with my parents and so when he is asleep I go out with my friends most nights if I am not working. My mother makes me feel like I do everything wrong and so I feel like a bad mom. She has pushed her way in as the mother pretty much and so I feel like I am not needed. I take care of him on my own in the morning and afternoon but once I have help I back off so much it's almost as if I'm not their. Honest when my mom comes home my son goes to her and wants to have nothing to do with me. I don't feel loved or needed or wanted anymore in my home. So I go out late after work and stay out late. My mother says that makes me a worse mother. I want to enjoy life since I am only 20 and I understand I have a huge responsability. I just don't know why it is a big deal for me to be home when he is asleep and has been sleeping all night for months now. But I feel bad for not being a mom anymore the problem is I don't feel needed or wanted as a daughter (my mom doesn't talk to me anymore unless to bitch) or mother. So instead of dealing with the pain I rather just go off and have fun with my friends. The other night I was thinking that I should have given him up for adoption. I would be able to go back to school, work full time, and do what ever I wanted and that made me happy but knowing I wouldn't have him or knowing he may later feel not loved or wanted by me made me shudder. I felt like the worst mother ever. I love my son but why do I not get a life anymore? Its like I can only have one if I choose to not be a good mom and recently I have failed him.