Well its the middle of the night. I slept for about 4 hours I think total before my brain decided it was time to turn itself back on full throttle. Its been a long time since I’ve actualy had stuff like this happen to me. Medication has been working for years. I should have known better that to decide to change meds just for something like side effects. I swear I must be going crazy. I’m figity to the point where i’ll randomly break things and run into things on purpose. I’ve torn three chunks of skin out of my chest for no reason other than "it was bugging me". I can’t sleep for more than an hour at a time before I wake up and my brain starts chugging away.
I don’t know what to do or say anymore. I want to just beg and plead for help from any and everyone but I don’t at the same time. I want to be noticed but not. I want this to be fixed and better. I don’t want people to know that there’s something wrong with me. I’m supposed to be ok all the time and function at perfect efficiency. Thats what a graduate student does. And i worked my little butt off to get here. I don’t want something stupid such as anxiety/depression to pull me out of my life. And to top all this loverliness off. Its exam time! YAY!
Today I got yelled at for not being open. And NO i’m not trying to make you feel bad. But I am open about everything; its just that when I say something serious people always ignore it. It’s almost as if when a serious comment comes out of my mouth (or in this case fingers into text) somehow people jsut don’t percieve it. Its interesting. Also in the rare case when someone does pick up on it "oh thats too bad rachie", "oh that sucks". Thats it. Or its brushed off "Oh I’ve been through that before so you can do it". Well news to people! I’ve never had this happen before. I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I don’t LIKE wanting to break my skull open, I don’t want to think I’m walking down the middle of the hallway and suddenly run into the wall. I don’t … I dunno I just dont’ want this.
Its like i can feel myself slipping back into being a teenager again or something. I mean all who know me realize I have a bit of a thing against teenagers who think they own the world and that everything has to go their way etc etc. But what can I do when I find myself acting like that? I’m sure people are starting to get annoyed with me. I’ve been asking for help all the tiem and being ignored. I mean I get that people are busy and such. But I really must be annoying to be ignored so often.
I keep trying to leave DT. Honestly I try every morning to not log on again. I dont’ wan to cause trouble to other. Nor do I want others to worry about me. But its almost like as if I’m desperate and just can’t give it up. Can you get adicted to being around people online? I mean I don’t really have real friends; but I’m well aware that’s because I just don’t make enough of an effort. I’ve been asked out many tiems but just not gone. I’ve promised to go for dinner with a few before I leave for the christmas break. But I can’t really afford it so I’m not sure how I’m going to manage to get out of it.
Oh goodness I just realized I was rambleing. Well this is an interesting experience i do say. I would not recommend this for anyone but apparently people say its best to finish the medication change anyway and HOPE it works. I’m not sure if its worth me really doing damage to myselfwhile unaware. But
But thats it I don’t know. I’m al all over the fucking place I don’t know what to think.