i feel reallyguilty about being happy about achiving things in my life! today has been a good day with things! first of all that women i wanted to help out because of her daughter harming herself came up to me today and said thank you for writting down what i do to help me, as her daughter over the weekend came and spoke to her about how she was feeling etc , and this women says shes hardly had 2 words out of her for months now, so she was so grateful for what i done for them both…so this made me feel pretty good about myself as ive manged to help someone out , an as much as i took it out on myself last week for the fear of failing to do this , its worth it now to see this women smile again. so felt proud of myself for achiving this!
second of all my boss asked if i wanted to progress in my job today as someone has fallen pregnant and will need someone to help and then over take the job! and my boss thought of me before anyone else as i work hard and they say im pretty on the ball with things! so yeah this is great my hard work has added up to something which is ace and even my dad is incredbbly proud of me ,, yeah its a factory based job again but im progressing!
but i feel so guilty for being happy , ireally dont feel like i derserve anyof this , why should i feelproud that ive helped someone through something i havnt even stopped myself and putmy family through . i shouldnt know how to help like thatas i shouldnt have started myself and put my own family through that! and with the job thing , i find everything pretty pointless at the moment and im hanging by a thread most days so i dont feel like i deserve this and it should be giving to someone who will take it with point! and why should i be happy ive put a lot of people through hell and back over the years so why should i now be aloud to be happy?? ? i feel so guilty for saying i feel that moment of happiness! yes i know im hard on myself but i got to be! arghh i hate this conflict in my head!