Most of what I say is forced out garbage meant to only further conversation and get the person to like me. That mode just turns on automatically. And it's no wonder it doesn't work. It works in the short term maybe, but I don't make any real friends talking the way I do.
I went to a girls house a while ago and was happy to be there (really pretty ecstatic to be anywhere but my room). I was sitting cross legged on a bean bag chair and I really didn't know what to do or say. I was happy…I was enjoying myself, but I guess you can call it dissociated. Like I was just watching a really nice movie. I gave out one word replies to things she asked, didn't really know what else to do. She apologized, because she thought I was bored. What could I possibly do? I said I wasn't, and that I liked being there, but i don't seem like it. People always think I'm bored and unhappy to be somewhere and lying through my teeth for reasons unknown. And I don't blame them. No one should bring me anywhere, I'm like a totem, I'm not fun to be around, I don't DO anything. You don't get anything from me. I don't feel like a person.
Lately I've been trying to really say only what I'm really thinking, even if I think it's boring, or won't interest the person in my opinion. I think people see me and assume I'm a totally vacant **** head. I LOOK like a shithead. I have the name of a shithead. I always seem so happy when I'm around people and they must think I'm weird or faking it, I am actually beyond happy but can't express anything past that. I look miserable by myself, which I am most of the time.
I spent four days perfecting an email to my favorite internet writer, making it seem like a normal person wrote it, and trying to make it my honest thoughts and opinions. it took me four days to even break though to myself and figure out what they WERE. With different drafts, and sleeping, and coming back to it, seeing the things I wrote the day before were awful and redoing it. I feel like I'm four people, and It takes all of us to proofread everything we write to make a normal email. but only one of us is around at any given time with no indication of whos showing up that night or tomorrow.
The Email was great when i sent it. The waiting wasn't nerve wracking like usual, i was confident that the message was sincere. I felt pretty good about myself. I got a great response. Then I was panicked on what to write back, I wanted to send it quickly and i sent it about 24 hours later. I tried incredibly hard, but after I sent it, I knew it was a bullshit letter. It was pandering. It was a bullet list of dull responses to every point they made. They didn't reply to it. Its been like a week.
things like this really crush me. Especially If it's someone I really love who doesn't want to talk to me. because i sound like an idiot. I feel especially bad when I think that they may have thought someone really smart and cool liked their writing, and then were disappointed by the second letter. My one good friend has actually been corresponding with them through email frequently I just found out, and it made me feel ten times worse. I got really mad and upset and had to leave when they told me. I haven't responded to his txts or anything. I just can't talk to him. I couldn't do any work today, I couldn't do anything. And I feel terrible.



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