so pickig up from where I left off….and yet on top of that, might be FORCED to move back in with Mom, bcause I've been unable to pay my rent on time for like the last 6-7 months or so(have barely enough to pay it on disability, but check comes two weeks after rent is due, person who was helping me with money to pay them on time each month stopped doing so around the end of last year), and although they haven't officially told me that they just want me to leave, I keep feeling worried that they're going to sooner or later since there seems to be no end in sight to this plus that I haven't paid all the late fees I owe them from paying rent past due date(I've tried to pay some of it to them, at the expense of sometimes having to get by on as little as, say, $60 over two weeks)…..
and….dreading that idea bcause one, the idea of moving stresses me out(the organizing part of it, who if anyone will help me, do I even want anyone to help me since I am so embarresed at how much of a mess it is, etc),,, and bcause…fear I will be the stereotypical middle ages man stuck living in his Mom's basement, and will never be able to get out of there no matter how much money it will save me bcause credit rating is so horrendous that no decent apartment complex will accept my application should I try to get my own place again….see??? So it's like if end up being able to stay in my own place, it's like, sure, yiou have your indendence but you're stuck in a dirthole of an apartment, and if I move back in with my Mom, it's like, sure nicer place to live, cableTV, a pc/ipad you know you'll always have access to, decent meals, etc but I'LL BE FREAKING STUCK THERE AND NEVER BE ABLE TO HAVE MY OWN PLACE AGAIN—-see The Catch22???? See it???? This shit ALWAYS freaking happens to me!!!!!! These situations where not only do I have a tough decision to make, but whichever one I CHOOOSE WILL ABSOLUTELY FREAAKING suck!!!! I'm so…so.,,,tired of this…..and this is all,,,,a breeding ground for depression and anxiety to return, all this along with the girl whom I spoke of in the blog I wrote yesterday or the day before or whatever and whom I'm now beginning to wonder if maybe all along she just pretended to have an interest in me just to screw with my head..bcause there really can be people like that who are that mean in this world…..all of this plus one other thing that comes to mind…..to be continued.