So I realized earlier while talking in chat that I despise/am jealous of my family. The subject was moms. And how much they suck. Then it turned to moms passing away. It was then that I realized I sort of despise my family because none of them know how I feel. The only one who doesn't still have their mom is my granma and she just lost hers three years ago. While I understand that no age really makes you prepared for losing a parent I do think that 62 is quite a bit easier than 19. Also the fact that it was expected of my granny to die soon. My mom was only 42. I didn't expect it. What's worse is the guilt I felt and still feel about it. For about a year before it happened I was her caretaker. We also didn't get along that well all the time, most because of her drinking, and I used to wish something would happen to her. I was a kid and it was dumb, I know. I also know that nothing I did or could have done would have changed anything. She died of liver problems that she knew she had for a long time and still continued to drink despite of. As anyone with depression or anxiety problems knows, knowing something and feeling something are completely different. I know I couldn't have done anything and it wasn't my fault. Part of me feels that I could have saved her or that I drove her to drink. Maybe I was a horrible child. Maybe she couldn't deal with the kind of person I was. I don't think I'm a bad person but does that really mean anything? I'll never know. She once said that she drank because of us, maybe it was true. I'm also angry at her. I mean, was I really that horrible that she'd rather drink herself to death than be around me? How damn selfish was that?! It's been more than three years and I'm still not over it. If anything it's just made my problems worse. My anxiety is worse than every, my depression and now I also have really bad abandomnent issues. I just wish I had someone to relate to. Maybe that's why I want to find my father. I didn't even know who he was until about last year. What if he could understand? There's also the other way it could turn out. What if he doesn't like me? What if he's disappointed? I don't think I could handle that. Unfortunately there's only one way to find out. I doubt I'll ever meet him, though. We just don't know enough about him. A name and a location 23 years ago doesn't mean much. Notice all the what if's. That seems to be the main question I have. What if?

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