I'm having a really tough day today. I'm not sure what happened, but I woke up very anxious and down. I did my best to follow the routine- get my little boy ready for summer camp, take him to camp, come home, try to get dressed for work…and that's when it hit. I knew I wasn't going to work. I couldn't do it. My stomach knotted in fear at the thought of dealing with my employer or the customers, making me retch. I called and told the bookkeeper/receptionist that there was no way I could do it, I'm still not well enough to handle this. So now my husband is angry at me and says that I don't have enough motivation. It hurts me so much that he thinks that- he doesn't know what I feel like or how freakedout I am. I had 5-6 really good days and suddenly I'm back on my butt in the mud. What do I say? What do I do?
How can you make someone who's never had the illness understand what you're facing day to day? I'm tired of feeling like a failure because I can't always function normally. I'm tired of seeing the disappointment in my family members' eyes when the symptoms start being obvious again. It hurts so much, and I feel betrayed by their reaction. Aren't they the ones who are supposed to be the most understanding, the most compassionate during the hard times? They're the people closest to me, who know me the best (or so I thought)- if I can't count on them, who can I?
I'm feeling like I can't keep riding this incessant roller coaster. It's driving me mad. As I get older it accelerates and becomes harder-hitting, each new episode a heavier blow than the last.
I'm crushed right now. I guess I'm looking for acceptance and love outside when I should be searching for it and building it inside.
Anybody have any ideas on how to fight oncoming depression other than medications and therapy? I have both. What helps you?