uhm, i’m kinda nervous posting here i have to say….

things have been kinda…blah.. for me for a few months and i started to think about whether i had depression…. today i looked up the symptoms and it seems like maybe i do….

to sum up the past few months..

i decided to take a gap year while all my freinds went off to university so i lost my group and have pretty much noone nearby

i went off during this gap year to work at a summer camp in the US where things were less than great, i had hoped it’d be a way to meet freinds that i could have met had i gone to university and if it were a big enough camp maybe even some closer to home…it wasnt… and i didnt.

i have…had been in a 3 way relationship for coming up to a year… i met up with them after camp and spent the next month with them….

due to feeling very insecure and being a painfully shy person i struggled with one of them in person we’ll call her (a), the other (b), a lot less shy kinda forced me out of my shell and things only got better with her… still with the other we had some good times

i came home, well… it didnt feel like home anymore, i’m not all that close with my parents as it is and after being away they wanted me to get a job, begin paying rent and decided to inform me how much i owed them everytime i ate or drank …..which just made it all the more difficult to settle once i got back

after a month of being back… (a) finally makes it clear to me that she’s decided she wants to end it… apparently she’d pretty much decided we dont work and that it was over before i even left and that how things went on the last day was just her wanting to part on good terms…. now, this whole time she  had not told (b) …so when i told her yesterday she was very upset that noone had told her and said she felt like a child kept out of adult situations

(a) said she was just trying to spare my feelings, which maybe she was but it made it all very difficult to understand and meant that i didnt feel sure enough about what was going on to go and upset (b) by tellign her (a) and i are over because who knows whre that leaves us…

i dont understand why (a) didnt tell her when it was obviously clear in her head at least, for about a month… she said she was being considerate…

one of my main complexes with (a) was feeling very unsure of whether she cared about/loved me, as she had done in the past and asked me to indulge her when she felt insecure… and also told me that telling her i loved her wasnt enough, i had to show it…  i feel liek she didnt do those things for me when i really needed her to, so i had trouble opening up with her while i was there  

so, by the end of finally making it clear to me that it was over … she tells me she still loves me…. in a rather snappy way after i explained above complex to her (" i do love you you f@cking idiot")  i snapped back saying maybe she meant to write "did" she said she wrote what she wrote…

(a) says that love isnt everything… and that it doesnt make a relationship work…

i said having everything but love doesnt either….. and that incompatibility is a perception…. she agreed….

she said i should have said a lot of these things while i was there…. but they make me feel very vulnerable… and i was scared to do so, i was scared to start an argument (according to her i should have, because "thats what couples do") .. because my experience with arguments is that they only end badly (see: i dont get along with my parents that well..) which even now they seem to…

is it clingy or wrong of me to wish she cared enough to give it a second chance? and to think that one meeting (even if it did last for a month, admittedly she wasnt there that whole time) isnt enough to decide "we dont work" and drop it?

the way i see it, relationships arent always thet perfect "oh i called so and so who i really like and we talked for 48 hours on the phone non stop" especially when you’re shy…

she gets frustrated and mad with me for being so shy, when what i really need is for her to open the door wide enough for me to get through… (b) did that and once i got over it things were good….. with (a) it seemed i got stuck in a bit of a vicious circle… we tried to reach out to eachother at alternating times when one was reaching, the other was mad/upset the other hadnt reached back the last time….. and so on…

i still love her, and it seems she still loves me…. and i dont understand why she’s given up and wont give us another chance to meet up and see how things go now that we both know what was going on in our heads

she accepted my reasons, and said it was all of our fault … yet she ended it… which makes me feel like she actually thinks it was my fault….and that i didnt want to try….

while i was there… she was that one in high school who you look at, but only when they’re not looking… who you choke when you try to talk to….. who you feel liek you need to plan what to say to incase you say something stupid….

it messed me up so much that i barely spoke to her…. and in turn she barely spoke to me….sometimes i just dont feel good enough….why would she love me? she’s never made me believe it like (b) did…does…

since ive been home, ive been needing to get a job, and some experience in order to apply for a university course i want to do…. but i’m struggling to find the motivation to do so….

shyness does come into it a little bit too…. and like i said, sometimes i dont feel good enough… why would someone hire me? i dont have experience….

the not feeling good enough comes down to my parents….. i’d come home with a B and the first comment was always… why isnt it an A or an A*……. i even came home with an A* and was asked could i have gotten a higher grade…. it was asked jokingly .. but it still hurt… 

so…. theres the past few months of my life that seem to have left me feeling really low….

i’m not really sure what i’m asking here… am i right to feel how i feel? should i try to get (a) to believe that love is enough to try again? ….do i have depression? how do i fix it? … how do i get myself out of this hole?….

any advice, support….etc is appreciated…. anyone reading this essay is appreciated haha

– E.

…

my problem is… that she said she still loves me…. which is why im confused

since she wasnt clear with me she’s had longer to get over it… which is upsetting me a lot right now….

and im feeling bad to (b) because i’m so focused on what happeend with (a)

i shuld point out that we are/were all involved with one another and all knew about what was going on.

i’m finding it difficult because i feel like they’re the only things that really matter in my life right now… and because i allowed them to become my world its very difficult to let go