I am so sick of this! I am so tired of being the good friend to everyone when no one ever returns the feelings! I try so hard to be the friend that everyone wants, I am always there for them, but then when I really need someone to talk to..where the hell is everyone? People wonder why I hide my depression, why I don't want to get help…well guess what…there you go…if I cant trust my 'friends' then why the hell should I trust someone I don't even know!

I sit here…crying, and begging for someone…anyone…to talk to me, to keep me from taking this knife and slitting my wrist…but everyone I say hi to, just ignores me. And it's not like my family will understand so I cant tell them. I am on the verge of giving up, because I just cannot do this anymore. Why does everyone think I am so strong, and why am I not allowed to break down.

I work my ass off to make everyone else feel better, to make everyone else smile, when is it my turn to smile? To feel better?

Everyone tells me to shut up, to get over, that tomorrow will be better…but don't they see it will never be better…it will always be a fucking mess!

And then, there are a few certain friends that say are there for me, and that they want to fix the friendship, yet I am the only one that gives a shit enough to try to fix it. Well I am done! I refuse to be put through the same crap that they put me through in high school. I forgive too easily, and I know that, but I cannot be any different, but I can put my foot down and keep them from walking on me now.

It doesn't help that now since I am home from college, I feel like even more of an outcast, because I dont feel like I fit with my family at all. I have been trying to beat this damn depression without meds, but it doesn't look like I can. Does anyone know of any herbal ways other than St. Johns Wort? Because I know that I need the help now…even if I do not want it….