Today was hard for me. Where I live in we finally got some much-needed rain. The rain made it too cold to go outside. I would have like to try and take a walk to clear my thoughts.

I’m the only one of my siblings living in this state. It’s hard to live with family and with this pandemic, it makes missing them more amplified. (However, I moved here to get away from them.)

I moved to my new city almost two years. (It will be two years in June 2021). Because of the pandemic I was not able to get out and meet anyone but the neighbors in front of me and on both sides of where I live. We speak when we see each other out and do the social distance thing.

I guess I’m feeling overwhelmed because today is January 28, 2021.  On January 7, my best friend who died three months after my deceased husband, had her birthday.  With February 5, (February 5 was my deceased husband’s birthday). I know that these two birthdays are triggers for the anxiety, depression and bereavement that I am feeling. This happens each year and it does not make it easier.

So, I came here to this site because of COVID-19 I am still not comfortable trying to go to therapy at my local hospital.

I figured I would just post here and hope for the best.   When my triggers for the anxiety, depression and bereavement come into play I don’t sleep well. I normally don’t go to bed until about 2:30 or 3 am in the morning.  I state this because I can feel like I’m sleepy but as soon as I lay down and just before I am about to fall asleep. I will have a panic anxiety attack, that relates to dying. My dying or am dying. This will wake me up, I will cry or tell myself I am safe. I will do several deep breathing techniques for several minutes after a while this will calm me down and I normally will fall back to sleep and sleep for about four to five hours.  I watched this happen each year, it starts normally around Christmas time and last well into March.

I currently do live with someone who has woken me up from nightmares before. The nightmares normally start around the holidays.  To me they signal that this bereavement is coming.  The only problem is that this year or should I say in December when I had a nightmare, I didn’t feel it was a nightmare because I remember talking in my dream and asking if it was a dream and telling someone in the dream that I wanted to know why they wanted me to  have the dream I was in, because I wasn’t feeling like a “victim” in fact I felt the opposite. Anyone, I woke up from that dream.  I haven’t had another one since. I had the dream in December just before Christmas.

Also, a relative of mine died in November. He’d lived in Las Vegas and I wasn’t able to make to his service in Las Vegas. His wife then took him to Chicago to bury him and my siblings who lived there went to the serve that was there.

Also, in December before Christmas I had two friends of my deceased husband pass away. I was not able to attend either service.

Anyway, I am feeling lonely and depressed right now and feel it has to be an “extended” bereavement due to the recent passing.

Hope you don’t mind my sharing.

Thank you.

2 Comments
  1. aquazium 2 years ago

    Wow i’m so sorry you have to deal with all that pain and grief. I have nightmares every single night and my boyfriend is trying to help me sleep better and not panic at night either. I normally write and sketch in my journal every night and that helps clear my thoughts and calm me down. But like you, I stay up super late sometimes just waiting to get calm enough and tired enough to sleep. Listening to calm music helps too, but it’s rough getting through panic attacks. Keep going:) I may not have solutions for you, but I know you’re a survivor because you’re still here after everything. You can do this:) Keep breathing. You’ll figure it out.

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  2. seichler 2 years ago

    It takes a lot to reach out even while not in a pandemic, being separated , feeling alone in our situations, others here have similar experiences, anxiety about a lot, keeping reaching, others are here

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