So today I had to take my foster dog to get spayed. I got lost and was on 7th street when I was supposed to be on 7th ave. GRR….so then I’m driving in crazy morning traffic that’s backed up to all hell. I’m like 20 minuets late and I’m driving like a mad woman to get to work. I am the person that opens the office up, gets things started, lights on, checks messages, etc. I get here and no one’s even here yet. All that freaking out for nothing really. So I got into like super gear and now I can’t get out of it. It happens a lot when I am rushing and then I slam the breaks on and I am not rushing any more. So where does all that energy go? Straight into anxiety. So I’m having anxiety over the foster dog, Skye, being under anesthetic. I always do, any time my own dog had to have surgery and go under I’m scared to death. Then I’m all stressed and freaking out about this whole going to see a new psych. person. What am I doing! I just want to stop having these freaking attacks. I can’t even hardly think about anything now without getting myself worked up into one. I feel like pulling my hair out. So I’m sitting at work and I’m thinking I really need a drink but I already feel bad for being late, even though no one even knows I was. I’m such a freak! My stomach is in knots for multiple reasons. I want to go back to bed. I feel like I’m not able to function anymore? Will meds even make this feeling go away? Because all the meds I’d been on before made things intensified more then better. I know that all meds work differently on different people and that some, people really swear by but I’m so scared to take anything because it made me feel so foreign in my own body. I didn’t like the same things. I felt cut off. In all honesty I didn’t want to have sex with my boyfriend anymore; I didn’t want to go anywhere because I felt dead inside. That’s not what I want. I just want to feel NOT anxious. Is that so much to ask for? I didn’t think so. So I’m freaking about that. I am also thinking of changing therapists…I am scared to tell my therapist I have now. I kept my same therapist when I moved to phoenix and have just been doing phone sessions. I don’t think they are as effective. And I don’t know how to tell her … I don’t know why. I feel guilty. This is too hard to keep up all these facades and trying to keep all these people happy.
Anyways, I’ll stop my complaining for the day. J