It is one of those days. Those days where it grabs a hold of you and no matter how hard you try and shake it, it just doesn't let go. I don't know what brought it on today, but it is here. It is always here, it is always lurking in the background. Waiting to strike, almost like it is some sort of perverted predator and I am it's prey.It doesn't really matter if I am in a good mood, it is there. I guess that it just has to build enough momentum so that it can take over. Taking over the mental, physical and emotional being. It takes over, clouding everything and resurrecting ghosts. Thoughts of woulda, shoulda, and coulda. The sting of being used, friendships that ended with a knife deeply placed in the back and in the heart; the loneliness, the inane opinions of a co-worker, everything you've done wrong, the secrets that you harbor, the loss of a job and the inability to conform to the standards that societies place upon a person.I deal with these elements on a daily basis, and they have progressed themselves (especially in the last three years) to the point where I have reached out for help. Help provided from the members of this website and from a therapist. I have asked myself many times,  “do these feelings ever go away? Is this something that I will have to struggle with for the rest of my life?” If I could answer that, I guess I wouldn't be here or at therapy. It is just one of those days. One of those days where I would prefer to be alone. Not wallow in myself pity, but be some place where I feel safe. Not going through the motions that I have been every Monday through Friday. To be someplace where I can let this wash over me and work itself out. In a place where I can let this feeling slowly work it's way out of my system.Instead I am here at work. Staring at the same four walls, the walls that have become a prison. A requiem for lost dreams and ideas. A bitter song of hopelessness. One that sings to me like sirens luring me off a cliff.I keep telling myself I only have few hours until I am home, I know I can make it through. I guess that is what I will have to do. 

1 Comment
  1. snowdreamer 9 years ago

    I feel like I could have written this blog it describes my feelings to a T…except that I don't work because of disability but the feelings and thoughts are the same….in a way it's nice to know someone out there feels the same way and understands but at the same time I don't wish this on anyone as you well know….anyway I just had to tell you I understand very well and maybe one day we will get that day when it will wash over us and work itself out……

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