I am really upset right now. I opened up to a friend, telling her about my ocd and obsessions and she rejected me. It was really hard opening up to her, and the reason I did it is because I'm tired of living this lie. Tired of living in shame.

I guess because she suffers from anxiety and depression and is on meds she would understand even if she didn't. I didn't think that she would reject me. I was looking for reassurance (which a small part of me thought I would get from her) but instead my worst fear came true: That if I opened up to someone besides the ocd community or my therapist that my insecurities about being a freak would be true.

You know how that makes me feel? Like there is a good reason for the shame I feel. I was ready to start letting the shame go and start moving forward. Now I just want to jump into a hole and bury myself alive.

Why did I have to be cursed with this fucking disorder? Why did I have to be sexually traumatized? Why can't I think normal thoughts? Why am I all alone in the world? Why do I even freaking exist? I want to cry, but I know I will never stop if I do.

I have to go to work this morning and all I can think about is kicking my so-called friend's ass. I thought maybe she hadn't responded to my post because she was too busy. But she wasn't so busy she couldn't post her own stuff. I have been waiting for two days for a response and she is just ignoring me and talking to everyone else.

Why did I think I could open up to her? And by some miracle she isn't ignoring me and just coming up with a response she should let me know that. OCD people obsess. I have been obsessing for two days. It's like my life was in her hands. Now that she hasn't responded I feel so rejected. I send her a message telling her I felt rejected, so I'm wondering if that gets her attention to atleast give me a response.

I should have known telling her my obsessions would freak her out. They aren't normal thoughts, so why would I expect someone normal to understand. Argh, I am so angry. I can't take my ocd and guilt anymore.

3 Comments
  1. lovemykids 13 years ago

    I know you've probably heard this a hundred times "hang in there."  My 18 yr old is going through something very similar.  His best friend of several years totally dumped him last year when my sons OCD reared it's ugly head.  There are many people out there that simply just don't understand.   All my son needed from his friend was common curtesy.  We as parents tried to explain that to him but he just didn't get it.  Finally our son was able to let go and understand he was better off without that friend.  It's been a long hall.   I know it's difficult but OCD is not your fault and your friend is the one that is losing out on probably the most loyal friend they will ever have. I have faith that you'll find balance in your life.  Keep talking to this group and your therapist.  There is hope. Take care.

     

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  2. Pleasedont33 13 years ago

    Oh, you precious person!!. I am so sorry you feel so rejected. I don't know why your friend turned away..I am so sorry that she did.

     Ya know, no one in my life really knows me. Not the me that I hide within. The occasions where I do bring OCD up, people look at me and say " Just stop thinking so much". They don't know where I am coming from. I don't expect them to. I have accepted the fact that the only people who could possibly understand me are others like me…people like you SeekingHappiness. I am willing to listen to you talk about anything..if it will help you.

    We don't know one another, I know I am a complete stranger. I just don't want you to feel so bad for something your friend didn't do for you… If something could help me not feel so bad for things that I shouldn't even feel bad about…I would be able to fly!!! I feel heavy and tired most days…the good days are so sweet…

         

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  3. Cannibis 13 years ago

    I have a very similar story, the only differance is that your friend is my mother. Yea, my F'ing mother. One can imagine uncondiontinal love could not be matched by your parents. So over time I have learned that when someone close to you dosn't have the ability to understand, the result is a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (extreme selfishness). When these people have problems of thier own, they don't have the ability to feel for you, because they feel no one cares or sees them. They also cannot help themselves, so they can't help you. The emotions you felt are real and valid, but understand that now you've learned that you're friend is not a road to travel down. Reaching out to people who understand ocd is the best advice I can give you. Never expect anyone, literaly to know the fear, shame, and self-loathing demons that try their damnedness to steal just one more second of your life. You are not a burden, you are a person. Ocd, is a bitch. You're not. Another tip I have is to pay more attantion to yourself relating to ocd. As you lose your mind to understanding, ocd demons will sneek in unnoticed and further drag you into more obsessive behavior. So pay attention, don't get worse, slow down the thoughts, and head backwords one step at a time. Baby steps. SeekingHapiness I hear you, I belive better times are definitly ahead of you.

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