Everything changes now.

 

My grandfather died Aug 30. I’m so hurt by the lost. Family members I haven’t seen in eight years are flocking to the house; I took refuge in just a year ago. In a year what has changed, and what hasn’t. In a year have I grown wiser, stronger or am I weaker, more unsure and anxious. In the two weeks since his death, is my new found philosophy for living my life a detriment or will it be the ideal that will move me out of my situation and into a new more hopeful future. I feel the change within me. I sense the bubbling of clarity within me. My philosophy is to not get involved in my family drama, by not putting my self in the middle of anything, nor taking sides or offering my own opinion. I will no longer listen to anything insulting or join any coalition or make any plan that goes against my mission to avoid family drama. I will not talk if I have to. A few members say we need to communicate, that’s our problem. If death couldn’t make any of us agree and let go of the past nothing will. I will not live the remainder of my life waiting for a chance to blame someone for not being able to live my life, or go after a goal or dream.

I have to allow my self some peace. Some clarity. Some distance from my own life. I have to allow my self a chance to venture another route, now matter how lonely it may be.

Family is suppose to stick together, work together and that blasphemous word “communicate”. I’ve seen family working together.  My family isn’t capable of it. Everyone thinks I’m staying strong, that I don’t cry… all I do is cry. Now is not the time to just cry, however. Its time to reflect. Every morning I sit in the downstairs living room, in my grandfather’s chair and I wait and listen. I listen for his whisper, a sudden brush a wind, a melody that evokes from within me out of nowhere. I don’t always get it. What I do get are moments of silence, of peace. All these years I’ve been so afraid of silence.

 

I can’t begin to feel what my grandmother must be going through. She was with my grandfather for over 48 years. But I can’t try to make her feel better, or cater to her to the point where I forget my own obligations, anymore. Of course I will check in on her and sometimes keep her company. I can’t be the way I was anymore. My grandmother can be a vengeful person. She also loves to gossip and talk bad about her own family members. I try to tell her it’s wrong but there’s no getting through to her. I can’t keep listening to the same stories, that life would have been different had everyone listened to her. I can’t bend myself backwards trying to please her anymore. She slaps me in the face more often the none. Not literally. Example, so one of the flock from long ago, came by the house. My grandmother was talking to her about going to the clinic and needing a ride there tomorrow. It was late and I was going to bed so I went down stairs to say goodnight. I bent down to give her a hug and she pushed me away. I was caught off guard and almost fell backwards. She told me to leave her alone. That she didn’t have time for that right now. As I turned away she yelled out where my Aunt was and she wanted me to call her and tell her to come down stairs. I walked away. She has too much hate built in her. I don’t want that to be me one day. I have to move on. Recognize the people who are there for me. Concentrate on my short term goals… doing well this semester, becoming more physically active, learning how to balance a check book, apply to a study abroad trip in January… and my long term goals…. Graduating college, deciding whether to go and live in another country for a time or go straight to grad school. In between these goals I have to concentrate on finding a steady income and moving out. I want to do what my Mother did. When she moved out of my Grandparents house she vowed that she will never live there again. When I move out I want to be set up so that I can never have to move back again. I’m asking for her strength to get me through this.