Im super down and I have good and bad days but mostly bad. My marriage is there. It the only way to describe it. I love my husband, I love my Kids, I love God but for some reason Im depressed and I pray for God to heal me and nothing happens. Sometimes I feel like he doesnt love me, or I did something bad to make him mad, but i know i didn;t so then i just feel lonely. I have no friends and when someone does find me interesting i bail and dont bother trying to nurture the friendship. It makes me feel like a loser and I am fed up with the self pity!!! Fed up!!! I want to be better I want to feel content and happy again!! I want to be off medication. Im on 50mg of zoloft and forget to take it sometimes so I know it isnt working the way it should. I dont know whatelse to write. Im just down. Binge eat (no purging) but I spend the entire day down and not eating and then binge at night with my husband.
I stay home with my kids and I am forever grateful for that. We are in no way rich. We are very poor but making it threw. LOL if my poor hhusband read this hed be mad because i said we are poor. But we pay our bills and have little left. When we are out of debt i think i will feel better about the money issue. But anyways, that our life right now.
I dont know why im sad. I dont know why its hard for me to smile. I dont know why i feel ugly, i dont know why i feel so lazy. I dont want ot clean or cook or do anything because my body feel so heavy and i just cant move fast enough. I have poor hygiene i dont even comb my hair at times. OMG why is this happeneing to me. Why have i given up. I met my husband being 30 lbs lighter full of eneergy and life and vibrant. I felt God was with me all day long, now i feel like im alone and noone loves me.
My 5 year old has dsuffereed the brunt of our chaotic marriage, but we have overcome many of our obstacles and i actually feel we are in a GREA?T place marriage wise. We dont fight like before, and I love him so much more and my poor son is a lil ball of anger. Im arranging therapy for him (he may not need it but id rather be cautious so he doesnt suffer like me).
I grew up in a stable home economically but emotionally it was rough. My mom was a single parent my dad was an asshole and wasnt around much. My worked her ass off to make sure we had everything we needed and more. I love her everyday for never giving up and being the wonderful woman she is. She was an immigrant and worked her way up to where she is. Unfortunately she doesnt see her strength and i remeber her suffering with her own demons. As an adult i fully understand them now and even as a child i encompassed a deep sompassion for my mothers suffering. But because of her sufferings We were yelled at aloe and her frustrations taken out on us physically. I mean this in the sense that when we did something wrong even something small we got hit and yelled at. My brother and I fought all the time and when it was time to act cool infront of my friends I was mean to him and feel deeply guilty of it. I wasn't awfully mean to him but i was pretty mean. I dont know if my upbringing has anything to do with me now but i know that i learned my poor reaction skills from my mom. I yell and get frustrated over small things and catch myself alot but still fail and it sucks. I want perfection even though it isnt realistic. I want to be supermom. I want to be beutiful again. and vibrant. I want to see myself the way my husband sees me.
I want my kids to remeber me the way i remeber my mom (without the yeling part). I want them to be proud of me and their dad and feel pride in their upbringing, poor or rich i want them to feel HAPPINESS without the need for material things. I do not need material things but i say that because my husband and his family are very maetrialistic and he seems to think the only way to be financially responsible is to make more money. (he make s agoo dslary just doesnt know how to manage it and it frustrates me beyond belief).
Anyways. My son is a lil angry ball and I find myself sending him away because of my feelings of depression. I just want to be alone and sit on the couch and do nothing. My daughter is super duper happy and she bring s smile to my face my son does too but now he wants interaction like playing and talking etc and id rather sit her and just disconnect from life.
Whats wrong with me?
Why do i feel like this? I want to be normal. I want happiness. I want me!!