Today I'd planned to go to the beach today. I'd made these plans on Friday. I was really looking forward to it. I'd not been to the beach yet this summer. While I made it look like I had a good time, really it wasn't.
Yes the weather was amazing. Water was beautiful, company was good.. (my lil sister and her friend who i adore)… you would think that nothing could go wrong eh? you'd be wrong.
See someone like me, Who's fat, ugly and not to mention scarred from my many SI doings.. I just don't fit in. I bet I looked like a whale on that fucking beach. Ruined the whole scene. And to rub salt into the wounds, a group of young, beautiful bikini clad, flat bellied girls were tanning themselves right next to where we were. I couldn't help but look at them all the time. Maybe they thought I was gay or something.. it wasn't that.. It was I was jealous… and it made me even more self concious. It was horrible.
Just when I thought things couldn't get much worse.. it did. When we went, I'd made the plan on wearing a top into the water.. For two reasons a) sunburn hurts and b) I have some SI scars at the very top of my right arm, just below my shoulder. A place (at the time) I thought would be easily hid. The shirt would cover the scars nicely and I would wear my bathing suit underneith. When I was out of the water, I took the top of, to dry really. My sisters friend asked me what happened to my shoulder. I froze. I couldn't tell her what they really where. I told her I couldn't remember how I got them. I know mum was looking at me when I made this comment. I'm sure she knows what they are, and who done them.
The rest of the day, I stayed on the beach, with a top on, feeling like I want to just die. I half thought about jumping off the cliffs that were just up around the corner. I didn't though. Now i'm just left with all these self loathing thoughts. I hate myself. I hate my body. I just want to cut it to bits. I'm ugly enough, so i might as well cut up some more. I can't even handle looking in the mirror. I'm this fat ugly stupid girl (I can't even call myself woman.. i'm 23 years old and I'm so dumb, I can't be a woman)
I hate this. I really hate this. Why does something beautiful like the beach, have to be destroyed by something so discusting like myself. I hate myself for going to that beach. I wish I had got major sunburn. That would have been at least some sort of revenge for me ruining that beach… but I just came out with very minor sunburn on my legs and back.
I am a discusting.. i'm abnormal… i'm a fat, ugly, scarred freak.. who will never have a normal life.