Either something is physically wrong, OR my anxiety and depression have just exhausted me, to the point whereI am always, always tired. I can go to bed at 7pm and get up at noon — and I am still tired. My body hurts, especially my legs and I've only done 3 work outs 2 weeks ago.. What is wrong?? Well, I am wondering if I am physically ill, cancer or something? Maybe I just have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome which is a real illness, not a mental one either… I don't know. I just know that It's 7pm and I am ready for bed.

Maybe it's the alcohol use over a long period of time or old age?? Sigh. I really think and feel like it's my anxiety because I am anxious a lot and when I feel anxious I can LITERALLY FEEL the LIFE DRAINING OUT OF ME… It's not even mental anymore. It's really physically real.

So today I saw A after 6 years!! She is 26 now and has not changed much at all, she is a bit more mature but her personality is the same. I find it interesting that my young friends have not changed much from 19 to 26… they are really just the same only with more life experiences under their belts… no pun intended. That is a sex joke A would definitely pick up on…

It was nice to see her if only for a couple of hours. The thing bothering me today is that earlier K asked me to go for a drink with him tonight… But he said "You'll probably be busy with your friend tonight though,right?" and I lied and said "Yes, but sometime soon , OK??"I could have definitelygone for a drink with him tonight.A was only here from 3pm to 4:30pm and of course that gives me alll night to go out with K… But I can't let him see me, fat and with short hair, looking terrible and so much bigger from when he last saw me. I just can't deal with the fact that he might not be attracted to me anymore. God. It hurts so much because I miss him terribly bad. And of course I am depressed now because I missed out on a chance to see him…

C is busy, but I don't particualrly want to see him either. He just went for a 6 hour hike and is in pretty good shape, I think he would be shocked and turned off if he saw me at the size I am now…

So that's it. I just can't see my male friends unless I get into shape. I am soo incredibly worried that I won't be able to work out because I am always so tired. I need to find a doctor so I can get some tests done. Maybe if I keep exercising it will help with the fatigue. I am trying to focus on the positive stuff from this weekend, but it's hard.

I missed out on seeing my K and it's all my fault.


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