I am basically okay.  This manic cycle, and my cycle, are driving me up the wall with racing thoughts, and discomfort, respectively.  My dad loved the present I gave him, but seemed sad to get off the phone.  I had to go.  My battery was getting low, and I had company.  But, I should call him today.  We don’t talk as often as my mom and I do, despite getting along really well.  Lately, I think I’ve been avoiding him because I haven’t had the energy to put up a front that I’m okay, and he can’t know what I am going through.  They were told, by a meddler, about my heroin habit some years ago.  They don’t know how I’ve struggled since – they think I’ve been straight for quite a while, and it’s going to stay that way.  It would only endanger my dad’s health (bad heart), and make them worry.  There’s nothing they can do.  This is my fight.  Not theirs.

I have a bad habit of inadvertantly deleting my entries before I post them.  Need to try to avoid that, haha.

Talked to Ace on the phone, yesterday for the 1st time in a while.  He was very sick, but has been getting better.  I was really worried for a little while there.  He was so damn sick.  But, he’s recovering, and we’re getting back into our chatting routine, which is very helpful to me.

Every day, lately, I start out in the morning with big plans, and good intentions, and I wind up getting very little done.  I know, not using, by itself, is a big deal, but I really want to start rebuilding some kind of a functioning existence.  I know, I sometimes expect too much, too fast, but I will try to find a medium.  Getting off my ass, but pacing myself…

I am watching polar bears on TV.  God, I love animals.  Polar bears are so magnificent.  It astounds me what humans are willing to destroy without a thought.

I got my shoes, and socks, and pants wet, fishing a plastic bag out of Lake Michigan, yesterday, while walking on the beach with Mags.  Some creature could’ve strangled on that sh*t, so it was worth it, but man, it was cool out, and I had to walk home that way.  Haha…  but, if I had rolled up my pants and shed my shoes and socks, the bag may have drifted away before I could get to it.  I know it’s just one plastic bag, but it matters to the bird that won’t strangle on it (or birds, plural, as that thing could last in the lake for ages, not breaking down, just tripping sh*t up).    Anyway, it seemed worth doing, and I don’t think I caught a cold (haha, there should be no chance of that in Chicago, in June, but this weather is madness!). 

Some people don’t know how to be encouraging without being patronizing – damn that’s obnoxious.  I feel like some cats I talk to have the attitude of "you’ll figure it out, sweetie," like a pat on the head.  Like, I’m just a clueless idiot right now, because I am not doing this the old fashioned way.  I am the first to admit that I am ignorant to a great many things, but the people who talk sh*t, I don’t think they know a whole lot more than I do (if they know anything that I don’t).  You’d think people would just be happy that I am getting it done, and say, "whatever works – God bless it!"  But, I guess, some people have ego about thinking they know THE WAY.  (I am not talking about anyone on DT, btw, I come here largely because of the lack of judgement – people here, for the most part, know how to extend support without delving into insignificant differences of opinion).

I am hoping that this manic cycle is winding down – they have lasted months before, but that was when illicit narcotics were in the mix.  I have felt like it might be letting up, this a.m., but it could just be a lull.  I have been tricked before.  I see the new shrink on Tuesday.  By the way, thanks for your advice Robby – I would not touch Depokote and I told the dick shrink I saw the other day as much.  I told him I wouldn’t take a bunch of those older, nastier drugs for bipolar and he got pissy.  Piece of sh*t…  some of those [email protected] only like dealing with drones, who thank them for the drugs they push, and move along.  These are powerful ass substances.  People should be informed, and picky.  Hopefully, the 2nd opinion on Tuesday will go better.  According to the asshole shrink, the better drugs are contraindicated with other drugs I am presently prescribed.  That seems like something that would either be true, or not, so despite his incompetence, I think it’s probably the case. 

But, hopefully the new shrink will have better things to say (more constructive at least) than the last guy.  I have already told the head counselor at outpatient that I may need to start tapering off of the drug in question, but it will take time, even if it winds up having to happen.  I mean, it needs to happen anyway, but this would really step up the necessity.  More later…

1 Comment
  1. tick_tock 11 years ago

     i was offered depakote recently by my shrink.  luckily he changed his mind and put me on risperdal (mood stabilizer) and effexor (antidepressant), and this combination is working very well, in spite of a few annoying side effects.  in fact, it”s the best combination i”ve ever been on, period.  hopefully your shrink will get it right.  my brother is a psychiatrist also, so he gives me a lot of helpful information.  i think heroin, like other drugs, competes with whatever meds you are taking for binding sites on neurons, so basically it renders them ineffective.  i know alcohol does this for sure which is why they say not to drink on all the info. sheets.  i will ask my brother about heroin.

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