I just cut off my toxic mother today. My entire life she was neglectful, manipulative, and selfish. She blamed me for her being sick and then i can still clearly remember being little and before she went to the hospital because she was so underweight me telling her i was going to miss her and she just told me to be better next time and she wouldn't have to go away. Nothing I did made her happy. then when i was 14 or so she sent me to stay with my grandfather and his new wife and kid for a week even though she had told me since he had molested her. When I was 15 she let me stay over at a 45 yr old man's house and he wanted to have sex with me but I wasn't ready. He told me I couldn't tell anyone or he would go to jail so I kept a diary because I just couldn't cope. I was in a bedroom downstairs since my grandmother lived down there and she found the diary I kept and my mom admitted to me she had confronted this man (Bob) with what she had found. They talked and then before I knew it my mom uprooted us all from NJ to Ny to live with him. My sister and my brother and I were uprooted. I was stuck in a camper with only 2 portable heaters and was never allowed to sleep inside. I know Bob was a con man and that he had raped 2 of his sisters and molested at least one of his daughters, his first wife's daughter, and that what happened with us was statutory rape. Because of all the abuse I went through as a little girl, with my mom constantly telling me she was going to kill herself or put me in foster care I was susceptible to this man who got me pregnant when i was 16. I ran away from the place in NY and tried to get away from Bob but he went through my best friend to get a hold of me. i tried to break it off with Bob but it never stuck and after my mom left us for a couple weeks around Christmas one year to be with Bob because "her kids were killing her" she pushed a guy named Rick onto me. I was 15 going on 16 and Rick was 24-26. Rick wanted to have sex and my mom caught us fooling around only to drag me by the hair in the 6 am or so the next morning and yell at me and call me a whore and a slut. She gave Rick a hug before he left. Why the hell didn't she stop Rick when she clearly saw what happened? Why did she move us all in with a guy who she knew had a warrant out for his arrest already because he tried to molest his older daughter's best friend. Then today I finally had enough and called her out on it. She said I had lied to her and I said mom, I was 15. I had to repeat that 3 times because she kept coming up with excuses as far as why she didn't protect me. Finally i said fuck you and told her i was done with her, that she needed to stop blaming me and Bob for everything that happened. I told her if I heard the phrase "I did the best I could at the time" one more time I was going to lose my shit. She said I already had, which was followed by another fuck you from me. She terrorized me and then at 18 he wanted to get married to make it legal so I caved. miscarried when i was 16 and thought I was ready for another kid and at 17 I got pregnant again. After that he refused to wear protection and i got pregnant again a yr and a half later even though I had told him repeatedly I couldn't handle another kid. I am thankful I have 2 biological sons and I love my current husband with my whole heart and I love my stepkids. Bob passed away yrs ago and on Sat. my husband and I found out that our tax refund was seized by the IRS because Bob, in addition to destroying my credit, had wracked up student loans for me after saying I should go back to college. He had the money but he claimed zero income on the FAFSA so he wouldn't have to contribute anything and after I told him I wanted a divorce when I was about 24 and asked him what about the student loans he said it was "marital debt" and that he wasn't going to pay a cent of it. He threatened me, so I didn't use a lawyer during the divorce. He just drew up our agreement. So between my mom and the memories of Bob in my head I'm so angry and hurt I can't see straight. If you read this thank you for your time. I'm still waiting for an appointment with a counselor after already waiting 3 weeks and trying to stay sane in the meantime but am not doing too well.

1 Comment
  1. Andie372 8 years ago

     What a lot of horrible things you have been through, and yet you express your story and yourself very well.  I'm sorry all these things happened to you, and sorry you're not doing well right now, but you are taking the step of seeing a counselor, that's very good.  Asking for help is a strength and I believe you are a strong person obviously to make it this far without help, just hang in there and I know you'll make it.

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