I just cut off my toxic mother today. My entire life she was neglectful, manipulative, and selfish. She blamed me for her being sick and then i can still clearly remember being little and before she went to the hospital because she was so underweight me telling her i was going to miss her and she just told me to be better next time and she wouldn't have to go away. Nothing I did made her happy. then when i was 14 or so she sent me to stay with my grandfather and his new wife and kid for a week even though she had told me since he had molested her. When I was 15 she let me stay over at a 45 yr old man's house and he wanted to have sex with me but I wasn't ready. He told me I couldn't tell anyone or he would go to jail so I kept a diary because I just couldn't cope. I was in a bedroom downstairs since my grandmother lived down there and she found the diary I kept and my mom admitted to me she had confronted this man (Bob) with what she had found. They talked and then before I knew it my mom uprooted us all from NJ to Ny to live with him. My sister and my brother and I were uprooted. I was stuck in a camper with only 2 portable heaters and was never allowed to sleep inside. I know Bob was a con man and that he had raped 2 of his sisters and molested at least one of his daughters, his first wife's daughter, and that what happened with us was statutory rape. Because of all the abuse I went through as a little girl, with my mom constantly telling me she was going to kill herself or put me in foster care I was susceptible to this man who got me pregnant when i was 16. I ran away from the place in NY and tried to get away from Bob but he went through my best friend to get a hold of me. i tried to break it off with Bob but it never stuck and after my mom left us for a couple weeks around Christmas one year to be with Bob because "her kids were killing her" she pushed a guy named Rick onto me. I was 15 going on 16 and Rick was 24-26. Rick wanted to have sex and my mom caught us fooling around only to drag me by the hair in the 6 am or so the next morning and yell at me and call me a whore and a slut. She gave Rick a hug before he left. Why the hell didn't she stop Rick when she clearly saw what happened? Why did she move us all in with a guy who she knew had a warrant out for his arrest already because he tried to molest his older daughter's best friend. Then today I finally had enough and called her out on it. She said I had lied to her and I said mom, I was 15. I had to repeat that 3 times because she kept coming up with excuses as far as why she didn't protect me. Finally i said fuck you and told her i was done with her, that she needed to stop blaming me and Bob for everything that happened. I told her if I heard the phrase "I did the best I could at the time" one more time I was going to lose my shit. She said I already had, which was followed by another fuck you from me. She terrorized me and then at 18 he wanted to get married to make it legal so I caved. miscarried when i was 16 and thought I was ready for another kid and at 17 I got pregnant again. After that he refused to wear protection and i got pregnant again a yr and a half later even though I had told him repeatedly I couldn't handle another kid. I am thankful I have 2 biological sons and I love my current husband with my whole heart and I love my stepkids. Bob passed away yrs ago and on Sat. my husband and I found out that our tax refund was seized by the IRS because Bob, in addition to destroying my credit, had wracked up student loans for me after saying I should go back to college. He had the money but he claimed zero income on the FAFSA so he wouldn't have to contribute anything and after I told him I wanted a divorce when I was about 24 and asked him what about the student loans he said it was "marital debt" and that he wasn't going to pay a cent of it. He threatened me, so I didn't use a lawyer during the divorce. He just drew up our agreement. So between my mom and the memories of Bob in my head I'm so angry and hurt I can't see straight. If you read this thank you for your time. I'm still waiting for an appointment with a counselor after already waiting 3 weeks and trying to stay sane in the meantime but am not doing too well.
jen3577, , Depression, Anger, Child, Divorce, Domestic Abuse, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Sexual Abuse, Sleep Disorders, Therapist, 1