2:52 am PST , 5:52 EST, 7/1/09, anxietytribe.blog
Had a session with my analys yesterday, Getting reay to gradullly phase out an eight or nine year psychoanalytic relationship. I feel sad at thte idea although I have a year to work through termination. Overall, the analsis was helpful. Helped me to get over neurotic hanggups about getting married and am now happily married since April 2002 with two beautiful boys (the eldest a toddler and the youngest a few months old). Started to make some progress on my paralysis that lasted muliple years on my work which had been stuck in a deep deep freeze of neurotic anxiety.
Still residual issues which are very tough and vexing. I stlll have a predilection for staying stuck and frustrrated and unfulfled out of loyalty or intenalized role modles of my parents stuck, frustrated and unfulfilled lives. The depth of my identifciation with their neurotic failures is staggering. It has taken me a long hard slog to get to the point of recovery that i have achieved but it is stilll a daily struggle.
Opening up to my therapist and opening up in here seems to be cathartic and therapeutic. It breaks down the walls of silence and secrecy that kept me shackeled. The walls and shackles keep growing back so that it is an onging struggle like some Hydra whose head keeps growing back after I cut it off.
especially when I travel, I tend to get so stimulated by all the new sights and th activities that I don' t take time to mediate, to pause, to reflect on deeper emotions and truths. , llike i am afraid to be with myself.
my therapist tells me I should learn to meditate for therapetic purposes to help me deal with my chronic anxiety.
I often feel like there is a maelstrom of swirling resentment, fear, avoidance, shame, lack of confidence, a sense of feeling uncomforted and unsoothed because I dont really know how to parent my inner self in a very heatlhy way. what I have learned is to be very negativistic or dismssive ofmy inner self. Reading a great book, "the Heart of Parenting" by John Gottman who talks about emotion coaching and how to teach parents to work with their kids. He talkes about how kids who have been emotion coached learn to identify their feelings, learn to lalk about it, learn to problems solve using insight obtained from their processing emotion and do better socially and academcally later in life. I was reading this book initially for my 2 kids but realize that a lot of it applies to myself. Like Whoa,
I feel like God has led me to this book,
Feeling anxious now because I have to give talk in 5 hours and need to finish talk, will come back to blog after talk
3:15 am pst, 6:15 am edt, 7/1-Wed