So last year on March 19^th my ex, her mother and my ex’s son moved out of my place. The three of them had lived with me for a little under two years. I started thinking about them a lot recently because of the cooler weather. The cold always makes me very nostalgic. I think I might actually suffer from seasonal mood disorder.

The hardest part about losing them was surprisingly not losing my girlfriend, but losing a family. Right now I just live with my dog, Oliver. Often I think about how sad it is that I used to live in a full house. A grandmother, a couple, a 5 year old and two dogs. The 3 other people of course moved out. One of the dogs passed away earlier this year. So now that full house has been reduced to a man and his dog. It’s so lonely and depressing. I’m actually tearing up just writing this out and actually seeing it in words. I don’t know how I ever survived them moving out. It’s no wonder the next day I had to leave work after two hours. I just couldn’t hold my emotions together and actually started crying at work. That first week after they left I put little hash marks on my dry erase board on my fridge for each day I survived. That really helped. It helped remind me that I was allowing myself to live even though at the time I had no reason to. My two dogs at the time absolutely helped. To be honest, I don’t think I’d be alive today to write this if I didn’t have my two dogs depending on me.

Last night I was using the grill in my small patio and it reminded me how grandma would go out there to smoke. I don’t go out in the patio much now. It really hurt being out there again and a flood of memories and emotions came rushing back to me.

I don’t know how I’m surviving. My life feels so pointless and worthless now. I’m honestly surprised I survived my ex and her family moving out. I have no idea how I got through that to be honest.