I've been so frustrated lately. I suffer from depression as well as OCD, and I find it to be more of a hassle. I've given Lexapro a chance for a year now and feel that it has not been doing the trick. I'm still not happy and still lost interest (or have less interest) in everything. I still have brain fog, fear, and no motivation to do anything. My life is great right now (knock on wood) except for these feelings . They are ruining my life.

On top of these symptoms. My family is telling me that I'm "too uptight" much to my dismay. Of course I'm uptight. I've suffered from this since 9th grade and I'm going to have my "best" year (Senior year) in high school ruined because I'm hurting on the inside and feeling gross. When you suffer from depression, it feels like you are speaking and cannot hear yourself, nor can others understand you completely. Maybe I would sound more mellow if I can be tranquil on the inside. I want to speak softly with sugar-coated tones. That's usually how I am without this problem, but I have to fake it around people who don't know about this.

I compare depression to seeing entirely in black and white rather than color (I'm not saying black and white movies are depressing, I like them a lot. This is just an analogy.). I've been robbed of my life. My passion for hobbies is gone. My ambition and work ethic is draining. My energy is low, and I have to work extraordinarily hard to keep my weight down (thankfully I'm not overweight; just want to lose 5 pounds for aesthetics and it's getting me down). Using sweets to soothe the inner beast does not help.

Yesterday, I was watching an anime video on YouTube (Sherlock Hound Japanese opening and ending). The music was pretty, and the art was quirky and cute. I enjoyed it and felt kind of a flashback to middle school, a time when I watched anime and thoroughly enjoyed it, no matter what. As I watched the video, a few "colors" popped up. My spirit rose, then quickly fell. The "colors" disappeared into shades of gray and undertones of anxiety, fear, guilt, sadness, and numbness came back along with the constricted feeling in my chest and the lump on my heart. This cannot possibly be the sign of adolescence.

I need hope right now. I need hope that I will get better one day before my young life ends. I need hope that I can treat this and watch my anime videos without those melancholy feelings. I need hope that I will regain passion once again, and chase my dreams without numbness and fear. I need hope that I can feel intelligent again.

I will probably consult my doctor soon and see what he says. Thanks for listening.