I read the comments that were in my last blog post. I apperciate them and adore them and am grateful for them but I have to say nothing has motivated me more than yesterday and mainly tonight with what happened with my boyfriend.

I know people who haven't dealt with the feelings we have wouldn't understand how one small event could cause such an emotion but tonight and yesterday night I saw a side of my boyfriend I've never seen before. I've never even heard it over the phone before, but I knew it was there.

Yesterday I was cramping because my period hadn't come in seven months and so I was in major pain and while I was gripping onto Zak's (my boyfriend) hand every time a burst of pain would come I heard something through my pain. I listened intently and realized his breathing was labored and he sniffled and I looked up and he was crying. I asked why he was upset and he said "You're in pain and I can't fix it." That was the sweetest thing anyone in my life had ever said to me and it left me speechless but until tonight I didn't know what it was I saw.

Tonight we were playfully bantering and I said something to which he playfully replied "Thank you, Alica." Obviously my name isn't Alica but I knew what he was reffering to, it was a joke that happened in school but something inside of me dropping at hearing him call me someone else's name. My ex cheated on me twice and that is my deepest fear, to be cheated on. I got angry at him, I made it seem playful, and he apologized, playfully but I knew he meant it but I don't think he knew how it affected me.

Well later on that night I grabbed him and hugged him as close to me as I could and we stood there for ten minutes hugging until he asked "What's wrong?" I couldn't answer him because I was so upset but I sat him and I down on the bed and told him that when he called me someone else's name it brought up feelings I never want to have again.

He didn't say anything and hugged me close and I started to cry and then I felt my shirt start to get wet and he was shaking. I knew he was crying and I didn't pull back but I hugged him as close as I could. Finally we both calmed down and pulled back slightly and I asked "Are you upset because I'm sad?" and he nodded his head and I asked "Do you think it's your fault?" and he nodded his head again and pulled me close again and cried a little bit. I held him and tried my best to not cry.

When he calmed down I explained to him he didn't know how it would affect me and that it was my ex boyfriend's fault for putting those feelings into me and finally he accepted it and we both saw I would be late going home.

Most people would think my boyfriend for being a wimp for crying, like my mother now does, but I think that was the strongest thing I've ever seen. Zak has never wanted to hurt me. He's heard my cry but until tonight he had never seen it and since he thought it was his fault he thought he would lose me.

Now I want help so I don't have to see him in pain any longer. I hate seeing him cry and I think it makes him much stronger than ever to let go like that in front of me and to show me the softest side of him I think he has. It's now made me stronger and while he's gone at padre for five days I'm going to occupy myself and not let myself get sad. I don't like making him feel my pain as well, because I know he does.

I love Zak more than I've ever loved anyone in any form in my entire life and it's heartbreaking to see him cry for me….I won't let it happen again. I will fix this so that it doesn't kill him to see me cry.

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