So I wrote this I kind of went into a trance or something and wrote and really didnt look at what i was writting as I was writting it. I looked at the keyboard and typed, when I looked up I came out with this… I just don't exactly know what it means or how the hell to translate it.

 

Love
   – Myself

So i sit here asking myself questions self time after self time
and i feel that the me of now needs to talk to the me of tomorrow
who will that be? my future i get to make my future up!!! I just realized
that right now… that all my decisions good or bad just dont really
make who i am but who I was… and that just lives up the spirit in
me! I asked questions that shouldn have been asked, I tried to open
up doors that shouldnt have been opened why? I dont realize whats going
on, I can be put up in a chaotic pain and terror agonizing world, and prolly
feel what others have felt but I dont ever want to do it again! Like i hate
everything that I should love and, love what i know i should hate, I feel
I live in a world of just deziere to be what you want to be! Be who you
are its the best time of your life, and I dont ever want to feel this
ever again… I want someone to find this, because right now I feel
that the people ive mattered to the most really feel the same
way about me back? Like where does this road we call life trying to go?
nobody knows! And I really dont ever want to tell anyone why
though I did… I dont get it… why am i re living the best I
days of my life, when i should be worried more about the
days of what im going to face? I know im strong to face tomorrow but
Im scared shittless of what tomorrow holds for me… and I want to
say fuck it all!!! I dont want to matter anymore! I just dont
but I want to know what is out there… I have a choice to
make and im so terrified that the choice i have to make is going to be
the wrong or right one? I dont care anymore but I do
im sure ive been telling myself that in this message at least
a million times that I really want someone but at the same time
to know… I am the most curious person on earth I think, but know there
could or might be anywhere else ive seen everything what am I trying to
say!? REALLY! THAT I DONT KNOW WHO I AM I WANT TO BE EVERYTHING AND IM
SCARED FOR MY LIFE!!!! I live in chaos and terror that is who I without
it I think I am nothing… wow Im starting at this screen asking myself
WHO I AM!? I dont get it…I want to SCREAM TO THE WORLD!!! That the last
few hours of my life dont really matter cause it felt like a million
it was fun… but tomorrow will i feel like I enjoyed it

 

 

 

Dear myself,

Realize that what you are writting will never grasp who they were
meant for and that other people who would grasp this might think
its for them but really its for myself!! oh god here I am again…
the guy at the the guy that only knows how… ARG! I dont know
what to feel… I dont get it I dont want to get it I… cant go back
I dont want to i dont i dont i dont but i have to do something that
matters… im just scared to do that do I have to give up everything that
does matter… where do I have to go to reach how far am i willing to
go before it does matter… what line do i have to cross to tell
myself that we are just really shaping tomorrow? I still dont
get it… I just dont know… This is prolly the worst best thing i
ever wrote, its all my feelings directed towards one in the vauge shape of one
trying to escape to me it sounds like sorrow but its really everything wait what am
i writting who cares what im writting its just writting but I want to be critizied but
why I say even thought I know its mine!! MINE!!! JUST MINE!!! but I think we
already knows where that goes it goes into reality that we are
affraid to face… it doesnt matter to us and everyone else but it does
what ami saying here what have i not expressed im happy everyone is happy
and sad that everyone is sad! some have to go and some have to stay! who it
is who it was weather the light is on or off somewhere somehow
in someones eye this will catch whos it is just realize that I tried and failed
at life cause I was affraid to move on… tomorrow doesnt matter it all comes
down to the fact that I am scared to live my life but at the same time
I want to know at the same time what really matters doesnt matter and its
all mine who is this to? who am I? NOT AGAIN! THIS IS THE PART WHERE
I WANT TO CRY EVERY TEAR I WITHHELD for since i was born who I am
who will I be? Im scared to ask myself that question take that step I CANT
TAKE IT ANYMORE IM JUST REALLY UPSET but somany people are upset I dont
want to care anymore I dont want to feel this anymore I want to live
and I realize that I dont care who I am someone else does thats all
that matters to me that I affected somoenes life weather what feeling it was
just doesnt really matter who I want to be!!! IM SO ANGRY! I cant deal with
what tomorrow holds but I really just dont want to grow up ARG!!!! I hate it
when I realize that Ive felt sorry for myself all this time for shit that
ddint even matter but for me it did Why i love to hate people and hate to love
people why do I want to hurt so many and heal so many I dont want to!!!
Im on the ground with my life right now and I know I cant ask what im asking
for I realize that! but I cant ask anyone else either its my life does anyone
feel what Im feeling everything everwhere what am I asking myself right now
I just dont care but do I where is this going what do i keep asking myself
pleaseeeeeeeee omg why? someone gave me these hands for something what are
they for? what have I lived for? what really matters to me omg this keeps going back to myself?
Who am i to judge but who is there to judge me i dont know my boundaries at all!!!
I dont want toooooooooooooooooooooooooooo but I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! who the hell am I
what is this going to be? and maybe someone somewhere just sits down and asks them
self who they really are? and get down into the feelings oaf everything im a soldier
scared to shape tomorrow so someone doesnt want to be oh god… what what what
who is going to bask in the misery or hate or love or whatever in this whatever
im saying is it really a big sick joke on me? Or am I actually living tomorrow and
havent realized it yet and that i need to step up and grasp whats onto mine that true
one thing that i kept telling myself asking myself Who will I be tomorrow and
now that i dont get why i keep repeaing myself just realing that what what what?
omg I think what does it really matter who I think im not real at all… I dont
want to be real, what the hell do i have to be upset about? Why am i ripping myself
piece to piece asking what why while doing what and why exactly how i meant but did not
know how to do… who decides the who what when wheres and whys why would someone
ask that… who what what what when why why to i keep asking questions with questions
wanting to know the unknown! And I really dont want to feel that while being responscible
as i was just bringing myself where I started??? but where did I start? someone gave birth
to me and then someone gave hope and love to me but i wanted to go the other way
but adopt I want to get married and have kids im affraid ill be a bad father and make a mother
drown in sorry for being with me and let my kids grow up to see that would be awfull I dont
want them to make the wrong decisions I want to get married and have kids but affraid to end up
how they would live knowing who they had as a father? Who says i get married who says i have kids
maybe it ends here… my legal name is given Timothy Marc Rajenderan Schiffan but who the hell is that
what is he really going on here? maybe they wont find that out maybe i dont want to find that out
maybe I just want to be alone and try to make myself feel happy and i think that I feel happy
when im trying to feel happy formyself reliving everything and affraid to see what the next day holds
but why am i ending this story whos story is to end!!!! Mine is begining and im affraid that dying
tomorrow would shape the day after but who is to care absolutley nobody why am i affraid to turn 30
is that the years i dont want to come… are those the years that I dont want see anyone to come…
where does it all go…. i dont want to stop writting cause im affraid to let to go… but what am i really
holding onto what keeps me being away from me? who judges that but me it tends to look like that all the stuff
around you only matters to you! whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy judge me!!! but I want people to judge me
and all that I dont know where its going? Im going to sleep now but ill prolly ask myself why am i so tired
what makes me tired what makes me me!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH tomorrow…. tomorrow…. what is tomorrow!!!?
has the last 26 six of my years been awaste but someone else there maybe believes in me what what
argggg…. im so loving that im mad at myself and crying that i dont wantmyself i want to love but dont love
myself i dont care but i do… foood….
arg…………………………………………………………… WHAT!? WHAT? WHAT???? WHAT!? WHAT!?

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