I tried articulating this before but was unsuccessful.

I don't know what I've been living on all these years but it seems to me that I'm about done with life. Every time I post something, I can hear The Rolling Stones song "I can't get no Satisfaction" playing in my head. People don't appreciate me and I have no human support system because of my ignoramus of a Mother who has controlled my life very cleverly for most of my forty years on Earth. If I post on Facebook, a mass rush of postings come flying forth just to out post me. Noone responds to anything I put out there. What a joke. I've lived a hard existence all these years and no one thinks I've got any wisdom to offer…its really downright offensive to me. I know things about subjects no one even has the courage to talk about, yet the human race treats me like this on Earth.

It was a long time ago that I wanted to help humanity. Now it takes only five minutes of my time and I help everyone to themselves apparently. What is the giving for when there is nothing to receive? I don't beleive my life is real anymore, I've been living on nothing for so long. You, the reader, are nothing but a hallucination and all that is of fragile life is but an illusion. There is no happiness here for people like me…I obviously have to go to get out of this madness. Would that it were only Facebook that's taken its opportunity to outright reject me. No, I have nothing left to offer this stupid world. You people can eat it all up and be sorry for sacrificing the best of us forever and a day. Everyone gets to live except me? To hell with that – I'm going to plan my exit and all the bozos of this planet can cry when they realize their time partying it up at my expense is over. You are all this song except the one singing it.

 

 

4 Comments
  1. Jack21 10 years ago

     It is hard to feel so unappreciated. I don't know your situation obviously, but facebook is such blah blah. It has no depth to it at all. Peel away its facade and you have nothing. I too believed very strongly in helping others. I devoted my life to what I thought was helping others. Now I am left feeling jaded to say the least. why help my fellow man when I am so utterly rejected by him? 

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  2. Love_Shines 10 years ago

     I often feel like most of what you are talking about here.  It's very hard for me to make friends and a lot of the ones I have I do question whether they honestly care as much as I do.  They probably do just in a different way or express it differently.  I'm just really sensitive and I truly care about everybody but I don't like being used or treated like crap, everything affects me so deeply and that is very hard.  I've been told I take things too personally, and perhaps that's true to a degree but I also think some people don't take things personally enough and are too numb to their feeligns, but I get that too because I've been there as well.  I've been hurt how many times both intentionally and unintentionally.  Yet I still try, I try very hard to be open and bear my heart because I think of all the cold and uncaring people in the world and I don't want to be anything like that.   At the end of the day what matters most to me is who i have to really turn to when I need someone the most and wouldn't feel like I'm burdening them and to be honest sometimes it's nobody and other times it's one or two people.  I had more people than I do now about a year ago.  It's even harder now because I know now what it's like to have a "group" of freinds and then now lose it for whatever reason.  As before I never knew what that was like, I didn't know what I was missing.  Sometimes I can't make sense of it all and why it's so hard for me to make friends, it must come down to something I am doing wrong, otherwise why does it keep happening.  I'm still trying to figure it out and change some things in my life and work on myself, it's a constant struggle.

     It might not mean much but I care about you, I haven't always been here but I honestly do and you've always stood out to me for one reason or another as some people do.  It's hard and sometimes…no, most of the times when I've reached out and beared my heart it gets thrown back in my face, and probably not on purpose although sometimes I know it has been.  One of the hardest things for me is that I never forget someone I care about, sometimes in life you have to move on, life gets in the way, crap happens, people fall apart etc but I've never stopped caring or loving about anyone I've known, that hurts not having them there.  I often wonder if those people think about me like I think about them still or if they just moved on like nothing happened.  I've been a loner all my life and never have run with the pack, and I'm sure part of me will always be that way.  I just know that I want more now, I want to communicate and be a part of social situations, I just want to be able to do it my own way, be myself and not have to play some social games or pretend to be someone I'm not doing it.

    I feel your pain though and I'm here if you want to talk.  I think I'm a massochist because I seem to like getting hurt over and over again lol that's sort of a joke and sort of true on some levels.  I'm learning more and more to protect myself though too and not allow people to hurt me, but also not completely close myself off completley, just not hurt myself when trying to be there or help others because then it just ends up making things worse for me and it's not fair to the other people in my life.  It's a tough balance I'm trying to work out.

    I wish you the best, bons.  I really do.

    Mike.

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  3. bonsailight 10 years ago

     Mike and Jack,

    Thanks so much for writing…you both really made me feel a lot better.  I'm sorry if I was too indulgent on the self pity side, but my life has been really hard lately with my not knowing where I'll be living and what is going to happen to me in the future.  I have a landlord/tenant  situation and I've been out of work for years.  My mother made a mess of my situation and continues to pester  me as if she wants more of me to devour.  Your simple comments made me feel heard and cared for and I appreciate that so much.  Thank you once again for your speedy replies – I'm having another tough night.  Take care and be well – for what its worth coming from someone who just cursed the whole human race! (No seriously – I was babbling in my bedroom).  Hope to see you both soon.

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  4. borntired 10 years ago

    I like helping others too. If thats is your calling you are probably get hurts more than you get rewarded. If you are struggling mighty right now then distance yourself from the negative ones and look for the positive ones. I think a lot of people dont want help they just want to be heard and validated. If I find myself being hurts in a situation then I vow to do my best and not to do thats to someone else. Then I look for that person who is hurting like me and reach out to them

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