I'm sitting downstairs in my mums conservatory, playing a few tunes and thinking….crying…the usual!

Will my problems haunt me forever? Nearly every where I go, Nearly everything that is said…reminds me of Oli!!!

How can someone spend over a year with you proclaiming there love for you everyday and then BANG…it's over! and it's all been fake! I don't know whats real anymore. I thought wat I had with Oli was real….It's been 4 months now since he left me and said he is gay! 4 months and I'm still crying over him. I want to hate him, I do hate him …but it's hard! songs i hear remind me of him, all the good things we did…but it was a lie!? 2 weeks before he broke up with me and decided he was gay….I let him re-decorate my home on the promise that he would be moving in with me in may……then he throws it all away!!! I'm getting so anxious and upset right now because all the memories i have of him and us keep flooding back….IF we were still together we would be looking forward to him moving in next month! 

I have James and I am happy with James. He loves me so much I know he does…I love him too but not as much as he loves me…I wish I could….but Ive constantly got a guard up…I'm so scared. I don't want to get hurt again, I cant go through with it again. I find it hard to get close to him or to be open with him…and I find it hard to trust him! The slighest bit of feminine thing he does I freak out because Im scared its gonna be a sign that he's gay too! even though I know he isnt…but thats just my fucked up way of thinking!  

I feel so dirty, Used and violated! Oli knew he was gay but didn't want to admit it so used me to cover that up…Slept with me, made promises, let me fall madly inlove with him…and then he treats me like im scum! and the more and more I keep thinking about it the more I start hating myself too!

Scars show that…..