I used to have violent thoughts towards my ex. The same ones as I have with children and infants. My compulsion was to do something kind for her like bring her a blizzard from dairy queen, or write her a nice note, or do something for her family like drop off a bottle of wine. Over the years, these thoughts have come and gone.
Yesterday, I was trying to enjoy some family time. I was sitting on the couch when like a train, the thoughts about her came again. I fought so so hard but I caved. I texted her asking how she was and what was new. She responded she just bought I house in an area very close to me. This just fuelled my ocd. "Now she lives close to you, the chances are greater." "If she has kids you will do something terrible to her baby."
That last thought was so anxiety provoking I texted again asking if she was going to have children anytime soon. She said no, so the thoughts went back to her.
This morning they persisted. I fought again. My brain was so sore, my heart was pounding, I could not eat anything. I caved again. This time I phoned her at her school to apologize for texting her. She did not seem upset at all but still this was not enough. I texted her again after school. She knows I have ocd. I basically said please just ignore my babbling, I have struggling with my ocd right now and my obsessions and compulsions are out of control. I then apologized for causing any uncomfortable feelings and said I hope she understands. I have been waiting ever since, checking my phone for a response that won't come. She has no reason to respond. I explained, she knows.
The thing is if it weren't for ocd, this would never have happened. I feel so stupid. I feel like these situations completely rob me of my dignity. It's like when I am in a parking lot and I have to walk back and look at a license plate. People see me. I must look so stupid. And I feel it. And I hate it.
I guess the upside is I was so obsessed and upset about this I did not look at a single license plate.
You win today ocd, but I'll be back.
Donnie
It sounds like she understands at least, and so do you. If it wasn't her, then you probably wouldn't have had the nerve to do all the txting and calling. It's always after the fact that we seem to feel like an ass. During it all though, it feels so important. So important, that we will be willing to look like a complete weirdo to satisfy that compulsion that tells us "if you do this…" it will be worth it. Then we do it, and within seconds, instead of feeling like we took the precautionary approach to "countering" some horrific thought, we are left feeling like we just got played by our own minds while the world watches. I guess being at the point where you can sit with the bad ideas until they lessen would be ideal. Someday. Im sure she understands enough to know that its your OCD. Hope you feel better soon.
hey there , i love the comment at the end that says you'll be back,you will. you know its the ocd thats making you act this way and its good you understand that so well.i often seek reassurance from people as part of ocd and its so hard not to do it.as for the licence plate checking you notice it so much because its you,but assers by are so busy with life ill bet they hardly ever notice,or if they do they may just think your admiring the car,really hope u feel better soon xxxx
I'm sorry you were so embarrassed. 🙁 It is awful when people see you doing a compulsion.
At least your ex understands that you have ocd.