I was told by my doctor to come to this website after he saw that it was a budding community for support with obsessive compulsive disorder…
I’m supposed to blog at least once every two days, and I don’t know where to start, so I guess I’m just going to start with today, and recapitulate the past few weeks if the content wears thin.
I have a 103.2° fever.
I’m writing my college admission essay for Columbia…and yet my mind is focused on everything but the essay.
My opinion of the existence of love has varied in the past two weeks.
Up until two months ago if you’d have told me that love didn’t exist, I would’ve argued with you until my voice died.
Up until two months ago, I thought that nothing mattered more than love, or as much as love for that matter.
Now, I don’t even know if love is real. I wrote a few blogs in the past couple of weeks, and in two of them I put this:
“True love is merely false hope masked by the sweetest kisses and the most romantic moments. That’s why it never lasts, because false hope never lasts. That’s why the promiscuous people with fuck buddies are the smartest, they’ll never have that need for false hope and they’ll never feel the painful emotional need to be with that person for the rest of their lives”
That is what I truly feel at this moment. I always have strong beliefs and until I can be proven wrong I won’t change them. Such is the case with this.
Somehow all the talking I’ve done with him hasn’t helped as much as I’ve thought it would. It definitely has helped in some aspects, but it’s also made things worse in others; I found out things I didn’t know before that made me angry, but I found out other things I didn’t know before that I was happy to finally know. It doesn’t give me closure, but it’s a start…after all I’m not looking for closure, I’m looking to fix what I broke, to make better what I made bad…
I lost someone I thought was a best friend because of this situation. I’m glad it happened, because she tried to make me think I was paranoid for the longest time. I almost ended up in the hospital again because of her. Now I still don’t know who to trust anymore because of her.
He lied to me too…but I deserved it…I lied to him first…but now I still don’t know if he’s being honest with me about things from the past since he’s told me other things that I didn’t know. He told me things were fine…for a month, I worried that they weren’t, and my paranoia put me in the hospital because I couldn’t stand knowing that something was wrong and he wouldn’t tell me what it was so I could fix it.
The paranoia comes from my schizotypal personality disorder, but my OCD was the main factor that put me in the hospital…my need for control of my life, and all situations that I’m a part of. I get freaked out if that control is taken from me, which it is when I only know part of something that’s going on.
I’m supposed to list all of my disorders too…so I guess I’ll do that:
I’m bulimic, I’m gay, I’m obsessive compulsive, I have multiple phobias which are considered to be irrational by most people who know me, I have a schizotypal personality, I probably have separation anxiety, and by the request of my doctor I’m getting tested for AIDS…I probably have it, knowing my luck (I got hit by a car two weeks ago, and I’m probably going to get struck by lightning twice before I die), but I’ve been tested 6 times, the last time being December and I was clean so I’m pretty sure I don’t have it. There’s only one way I could have it, and that’s if my ex had it, but he was a virgin so that’s unlikely too…I’m still worried though.
I hate being gay. I never did before, but all of a sudden I do. I’m making the effort to change and hopefully within a few weeks I’ll be straight. If not I’m going to find a doctor or something because once I’m straight it’ll be easier to get over my ex, right?
The last thing I’m supposed to do is make a log of all the shit I ate today, and if I kept it down or not…if I didn’t how long it took to projectile it back into this horrible world. So:
A blueberry waffle – threw it up 5 minutes after I ate it
A dry salad from Pizza Cucina in Oswego, the one down by Montgomery…
Half a strawberry low fat yogurt from the Meijer on 59 – Kept it down
In any case, I’m feeling dizzy and thirsty, and for some odd reason I’m not hungry at all but I’m in the mood to bake a cake.
I guess I’ll be back on Friday…
And Dr S, if you’re reading this, I need more Prozac.