So I just took a very relaxing shower and I thought I would get on here. I know I've already done a blog today but I DON'T CARE.

Sitting here alone because, since it a nice day, my mother decided to ride (motorcycle)with her 'guy friend'. I should be doing homework but I don't really want to. Plus I can't concentrate on the damn thing anyways…OH I LOVE THIS SONG!! Sorry off topic. Although David Nail's Red Light came on and I LOVE THIS SONG!!! hehe… Back to my mom ditching me for the millionth time! I don't care honestly… anymore… I though if I lied to her obviously then she would catch on…. Well, she didn't….. I don't want to ruin her single life though. For the past… 7 years she's been married to my OCD freak of a step father… I have nothing against people who have OCD although since I didn't like my step father to begin with that just added to my list of hate towards him. He was a MAJOR clean freak. He needed everything to be spotless or you had to wipe EVERYTHING down again and again and again and again untill you got the damn thing right…. I've done that before…. It PISSED ME OFF SO MUCH. I was OH SO F****** close to punching him in the face. Although he's a military man and SO MUCH stronger and niftier in fighting then I am… He could have probably killed me if he wanted to… (listening to For You by Keith Urban! So good)

My Step Father was in my life since I was two… My biological father just ran off with some other chick once I waas born… That's another blog… My Step Father took care of me and I think at some point loved me. Only because i was walking in the path that HE wanted me to take. As I grew up I begin to see what my older sister saw. An A******. Turns out the amazing father that I thought I had turned out to be the devil. When I came into my junior high years I started wavering for that path that HE wanted me to go on. I want to make my own path. To live and learn. HE didn't like that. So he started Verbally abusing me (and very slightly physically abusing me). I was miserable ever since I turned 9 or 10 years old… I told people but the only thing you could really prove was physical abuse, he only left a couple bruises. Nothing that suggested anything serious… Finding no help I just kept my mouth shut and started something that I still do today… I Smiled.

For the next 4 to 5 years I was so reluctant to come home. I knew what would happen but at the same time I didn't. I knew that I would get yelled at at least once before my mother came home. But the question was about what? i would try so hard to please him… at first… After finding out that NOTHING IN THIS WORLD COULD PLEASE HIM, I just stop trying. Then again, that just peeved him off even more… So he yelled at me even more. So I hide in my room. Although, since he didn't know what the word PRIVACY meant, that only went so far. My only relief was when my mother came home. He would yell at me as much… Just occasionally… I would still hide in my room.

The day came when i called my mother. She had been telling me that she wanted to get a divorce with my Step Father but she had been precrastinating… He had made me cry… The thing was I had given up on tears so many years before that. They didn't help and I just knew if i cried in front of him, he would enjoy himself even more… he would have won. She came home and that had that special talk. the next day I pretending like I didn't know anything. I tried to start a conversation with him, small talk. He just stared at me, saying nothing… He would continue this until that day when he finally moved all his things and exited the house, for the last time… That was a week later! He didn't talk to me for a week before then. He hasn't talked to me since. He hasn't been fighting for me.. i know I should be relieved. I mean why in the world would I want to spend a weekend or a week with the man that made my life a living hell?! He was the whole reason why I started cutting myself when I was 12 years old. THE WHOLE REASON.

I couldn't help but feel a little hurt though. I mean all those years and he didn't even love me enough to talk to me… To say goodbye at least… I mean it was like he was blaming me for the whole thing… Maybe it is my fault… Maybe I was the reason why they ended it after so many years… But not even a goodbye?! Really?! Was I that bad?

1 Comment
  1. Ellowynne 9 years ago

    Hi.  I just wanted to say a couple of things to you.  Your step-dad probably can't help how he acts.  People who have this disorder are literally driven to repeat things over and over again.  That he tried to force you into his misery was unfair at best and you should definitely try to "stand down."  Don't engage with him when he goes whacked. Honey, parents are just people.  They aren't perfect and sometimes not even close.  I'm not a parent and I'm almost 60 years old, and I can tell you from experience, that regardless of mental issues, I have found that 95 percent of all men have major issues of some sort.  It always comes out.  Best thing is to just let it go for now, he's gone don't beat yourself up over stuff that's his fault, his problem.  I venture to say that you could have jumped through hoops your whole life and its a good possibility that he wouldn't be able to express himself and give you praise.  He sounds so miserable himself that he can't possibly show love or have anything of value to share with you.  It's really sad, and some would say, he can't help himself.  I hope that you will see that you have all the choices yourself.  You can sit in the puddle of sorrow and despair, or you can get up and make things right for yourself.  Figure out the best course for you to focus yourself on, and move forward with YOUR life!  It's what has to happen and what we all had to do.  The sooner you figure out how to take care of yourself and do it with style, the sooner you will be independent of all persons, able to make your own decision in your own best interest.  It's not that difficult.  Like what you do and do what you like. Growing up is difficult for everybody for real.  Chin up my girl !  Don't ever let 'em see you cry.  You have to care about yourself before anyone else will.  It's just a fact of life.  Start small and think big.  Good luck, baby girl!!!  You can DO IT!!!  Ell

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