I am starting to realize that I was a very attractive woman. WAS is the key word here. It's like the old saying goes "You never know what you have until it's GONE."

6 boys I used to know contacted me recently because they wanted to see me, INCLUDING K… unawares that I gained 25 ibs. (Ihaven't seen them in months)Then another few boys hit on me. They are all going off of photos that were taken within the last 2 years but NOT within the last 2 MONTHS when I really went down hill.

My weight gain is a result of being sad, anxious and depressed. So was chopping my hair. I went from attractive to almost unable to be seen in public. WHAT HAPPENED? K disappeared, I thought I lost his friendship and I began feeling depressed around my birthday because I am getting so much older. So I ate. And of course since I AM getting older, my body hangs onto fat longer and because I used to starve myself, losing weight is an epic battle.

Yesterday I put up a picture of me online for a dating service. The picture was taken just 4 months ago, when I still looked pretty good. Not super skinny, but not ballooned out either. And my hair was still long. A lot of guys contacted me commenting on what a pretty lady I am. I wish I looked like that still! Before I meet any of them I have to get down to at least a size 6… maybe an 8. But this size 10 is not going to do.

This year has been unbelieveable. I went from a very attractive, sexy lady to this fat, short-haired sow in just months. Even back in July, I was beautiful, maybe not a model, but quite nice looking. The weight I gained at that time was an asset (I looked too sickly at size 4, it just didn't look good on my face, it was drawn) But at a healthy size 6… I was amazing.. Why couldn't I just not get depressed and anxious?? This is another thing it's taken from me. My looks.

Basically, anxiety and depression have taken most everything from me. My friends, family, boyfriends, hopes, dreams, looks,health…And I can't seem to stop anxiety and depression. They are like 2 partners in crime with a plot out to destroy me. If I look good, they make me want to eat and get fat. If I get too depressed and out of it, I drink and do crazy things like cut my hair…

I don't know. This is just a disease you have to learn to manage, it never really goes away. I just feel like I'm too far gone out of control for now…